Bernard Wrigley website/blog

2010-05-03T18:10:00.096+01:00

The new CD is here!

SONGS OF THE SEVEN SEAS

has 22 tracks laced with the salty tang of the sea.

Featuring a cornucopia of concertinas,

seaboots are essential when listening.

SOME of the 2012 dates

JAN 20 Fri BOLTON Bromley Cross Folk Club at Barlow Institute, Edgworth BL7 0AP www.bromleycrossfolkclub.org.uk

JAN 30 Mon BEVERLEY "The White Horse Folk Club" at the Foresters Arms HU17 0PR enq: 01430 810213

FEB 4 Sat NELSON Golf Club concert enq: secretary@nelsongolfclub.com

FEB 10 Fri MOIRA (Leics) Concert at National Forest Folk Club www.affc.demon.co.uk enq: Nina 01676 540219

MAR 10 Sat BARLASTON (Staffs) Village Hall Concert *Bring Your Own Food & Booze* enq: Charles 01782 350347

MAR 17 Sat WALMER BRIDGE (nr PRESTON) PR4 5GN Village Hall Concert enq: Tom 01772 613460

MAR 20 Tues LONGRIDGE (nr PRESTON) Folk Concert at the Legion enq Ron: 01772 784214

MAR 31 Sat TODMORDEN Hippodrome Theatre "Concert In The Foyer" www.todhip.org or the Tourist Centre 01706 818181

APR 21 Sat UPPERMILL (nr OLDHAM) Civic Hall Concert with Saddleworth Male Voice Choir
enq: Maurice 0161 330 8831

MAY 14 Mon STOCKPORT Midway Folk Club www.stockportfolk.co.uk enq: Peter 07971 788015

MAY 18 Fri MOULTON FESTIVAL Northants enq: Simon: 01604 670192 melodeonplayer@hotmail.com www.themorrisring.org

JUN 9 Sat WIRRAL FOLK ON THE COAST FESTIVAL see all info at www.wirralfolkonthecoast.com

2007-10-07T19:24:00.007+01:00

"SONGS OF THE SEVEN SEAS" - Bernard Wrigley (2011)

1: TALCHUANO GIRLS

2: OUTWARD AND HOMEWARD BOUND

3: BIDEFORD HARBOUR (by B. Wrigley)

4: THE GLENDY BURK (by Stephen Foster)

5: SAILORTOWN (by B. Wrigley)

6: LET THE BULGINE RUN

7: ROW BULLIES ROW

8: ROUNDING THE HORN

9: BLOW THE MAN DOWN

10: THE BONNY SHIP THE DIAMOND

11: GO DOWN YOU ROSES

12: WEARY WHALING GROUNDS

13: A-ROVIN'

14: GREENLAND BOUND

15: DONKEY RIDING

16: COAST OF PERU

17: NEW YORK GIRLS

18; THE WHALECATCHERS

19: ROLL ALABAMA ROLL

20: THE DREADNOUGHT

21: WHALEMAN’S LAMENT

22: LEAVING OF LIVERPOOL

Shows CD text (if your CD player supports it)

Click to hear a 30 sec sample of every track:

SevenSeasSample

(Click the MP3 section to hear all the MP3s on the site).

If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-19T13:55:00.004+01:00

MARK & LARD'S ANCIENT CUSTOMS (2010)

Released 2010, this double CD contains 29 tracks. All the stories of silly customs recorded in 2004 for the Mark & Lard BBC Radio 1 afternoon programme are here.

Click on the highlighted tracks to listen to complete MP3 versions

DISC ONE:

01 - Shackling The Blurman
02 - Spearing The Britney
03 - Podging The Elton
04 - Jumping The Ziggy
05 - Browning The Stone Roseman
06 - Rodding The Jaylo
07 - Straddling The Beenie Man
08 - Banging The Wallerman
09 - Yanking The Scally Gally
10 - Beating The Pulpman
11 - Wrapping The Drayman
12 - Tossing The Hives
13 - Good Charlotte's Day
14 - Rolling The Craig Clot

DISC TWO:

01 - Jerking The Jay Kay
02 - Tugging The Travisman
03 - Blowing The Blue Guy
04 - St. Busted's Day
05 - Popping The Idol
06 - Prince Poking
07 - Beyonce Boning
08 - Humping The Hucknall
09 - Riding The Ronan
10 - Lavigne Laying
11 - Pricking The Durstman
12 - All Cheeky Girls Day
13 - Stevens Tubbing
14 - Mounting The Manson
15 - Halliwell Dipping

CD text is supported as well - see all the titles as they play (providing your CD player supports it).

2007-06-18T13:18:00.008+01:00

A Biography...

From starting in folk clubs, and then writing & performing at the Octagon theatre in Bolton, his career has alway combined singing and acting. From TV programmes and films such as Coronation Street, Emmerdale, Phoenix Nights, Dinner Ladies, Alan Bennett films, Brassed Off, My Son The Fanatic & Coogan’s Run, to the many radio plays and programmes he’s presented or guested upon, there has throughout been a steady stream of LPs and CDs - fifteen to date, the early ones all now remastered to CD.
There’s a recent book (2008) of daft one verse poems The Longs & The Shorts Of It, to complement the first book Shorts For All Occasions, released in 2006.
He loves the varied nature of it all, such as one week reading a series of very silly customs on the Mark & Lard show on BBC Radio One, then being a prisoner in a tv advert for Walls’ Sausages, being murdered on TV in Harbour Lights and later going to Norway for a commercial.

Further details of Bernard's exploits can be read in the MEMOIRS section.

Whereas I handle the singing side myself, all enquiries regarding acting should be directed to Emma Ashcroft at:
Ashcroft Management
(click to see the website)
Tel 07917 033398

2007-06-17T22:18:00.004+01:00

2007-06-17T22:12:00.000+01:00

THE INSTRUMENTS

When I asked for comments on the new site, Judi Derber emailed and requested a page about my instruments. Here it is!

I play mainly acoustic guitar and concertinas.

GUITARS etc:
I use a Fylde Magician, and have two identical models - one tuned as standard and one tuned to < D A D F# A D > an open D chord - sheer luxury! This came about when I started playing more and more songs in that tuning and didn't want to confront the audience with the hassle of endless retuning. I wanted to play songs in the order I decided, and not be swayed by whichever tuning the guitar was in. You can see the Magician and the rest of the range at

fyldeguitars.com

At present I use Elixer Polyweb strings in Light gauge (12 to 53 thou). They're great if you've got sweaty fingers because they take a lot longer to go dull than conventional strings.
When it comes to amplifying through a PA system I don't like transducer pickups because the sound isn't natural. It's usually too bright and doesn't sound like an acoustic guitar - more like an electro/acoustic. So, I either use an external mic such as a Shure SM57 / 58, or the fitted lapel mic inside the guitar.

I've also got a Telecaster and an Ibanez Jazz guitar playing through a Fender Vibro Champ amplifier, but I use them for recording, not playing at concerts. Same applies to the mandolin, a Gremlin model, but I sometimes take my Framus banjo on bookings. Nice to have different colours for the accompaniment.

CONCERTINAS:
I've got a Wheatstone tenor #34120 made in 1936, and a Wheatstone contra-bass #29699 built in 1923, both with the English fingering system. There are also the Anglo and the Duet systems and all three are radically different, although to the casual observer they seem to look similar. The English system has the same note playing whether the bellows are moving in or out (as in the Duet system) and crosses from the left side to the right side to play consecutive notes in a scale (unlike the other two).

The tenor 'tina has fewer notes at the top than the more common treble, but is extended below from C down to G. Coupled with a concertina's ability to play regardless of rhythm, this makes my box ideal for folk song accompaniment.
The bass concertina is unusual in that it has a one-way action. It plays notes as the bellows are closed together, but when they're pulled outwards then the instrument breathes (by using one-way pads underneath the bellows). Sounds odd, but I've played a two way action bass and didn't like it as much - I missed the rhythmic bounce of constantly filling the bellows.

An interesting Wheatstone I've got is the Mayfair. Looks odd with its formica sides, and it seems to have been an attempt in the 1950s to manufacture a low cost concertina. As well as the "kitchen unit" sides, the number of reeds was cut down to fifteen and arranged in three blocks of five per side. It didn't boost sales, though, and the company went under. It was resurrected in the 1970s when it was bought by Steve Dickinson, who still runs it.

2007-06-16T22:15:00.006+01:00

How to email me...

MY EMAIL ADDRESS IS:

click here to send me an email:

email Bernard

2007-06-15T22:51:00.000+01:00

THE INSTRUMENTS

GUITARS etc:
I play mainly acoustic guitar and concertinas. I use a Fylde Magician, and have two identical models - one tuned as standard and one tuned to < D A D F# A D > an open D chord - sheer luxury! This came about when I started playing more and more songs in that tuning and didn't want to confront the audience with the hassle of endless retuning. I wanted to play songs in the order I decided, and not be swayed by whichever tuning the guitar was in. You can see the Magician and the rest of the range at

fyldeguitars.com

At present I use Elixer Polyweb strings in Light gauge (12 to 53 thou). They're great if you've got sweaty fingers because they take a lot longer to go dull than conventional strings.
When it comes to amplifying through a PA system I don't like transducer pickups because the sound isn't natural. It's usually too bright and doesn't sound like an acoustic guitar - more like an electro/acoustic. So, I either use an external mic such as a Shure SM57 / 58, or the fitted mic inside the guitar. It's a Tandy lapel mic - very cheap and very good.

I've also got a Telecaster and an Ibanez Jazz guitar playing through a Fender Vibro Champ amplifier, but I use them for recording, not playing at concerts. Same applies to the mandolin, a Gremlin model, but I sometimes take my Framus banjo on bookings. Nice to have different colours for the accompaniment.

CONCERTINAS:
I've got a Wheatstone treble #34120 made in 1936, and a Wheatstone contra-bass #29699 built in 1923, both with the English fingering system. There are also the Anglo and the Duet systems and all three are radically different, although to the casual observer they seem to look similar. The English system has the same note playing whether the bellows are moving in or out (as in the Duet system) and crosses from the left side to the right side to play consecutive notes in a scale (unlike the other two).

2007-06-15T12:34:00.003+01:00

Of interest...

*PODCAST!*

Listen to Phil Wood interviewing me on Manchester Online Radio & hear a couple of tracks from my next CD

- click here: MOL Podcast

If you think your website should be on the list below, email me the link because I've probably not seen it! - Here are some of my favourite places to visit on the internet:

TV, RADIO, & FILMS
smoothoperations.com - Music documentaries and series
whirligig-tv.co.uk - TV Nostalgia from the 50s
Masters Of Cinema - The definitive site for film lovers
Masters Of Cinema Series - The best DVD label in the UK (run by my son)
The Criterion Collection - The best DVD label in the USA

FOLK MUSIC and BEYOND
Real Music - a resource for live music clubs, folk clubs, concert venues and more
Hanky Park - Lancashire songs and humour at their best
The Child Ballads - The Child Ballads, A complete list
folking.com - Info from the Folk World
Roger Liptrot photos - Galleries/photos of Folk Performers
Michael Raven - Michael Raven's Catalogue of recordings
fyldeguitars.com - See the range of stunning acoustic guitars
mikeharding.co.uk - Mike Harding's website
houghtonweavers.com - The Houghton Weavers' website
Fivepenny Piece - The official Fivepenny Piece website
oldhamtinkers.com - The Oldham Tinkers - The Lancashire Legends
harveyandrews.com - Harvey Andrews' website
anthonyjohnclarke.com - Anthony John Clarke - great singer / songwriter
heartsofoak.net - Great singers from Devon, specializing in maritime songs.
tradmusic.com All about music, gigs, recordings, artistes and much more!
ampworldmusic.com Brian (Preston) Dewhurst's site: dynamic promotion of folk, roots & acoustic music worldwide.
scoldsbridle.co.uk Sue and Liz, from the Fylde - two great singers of trad and contemporary songs.
crackedflag.com Harmonies and songs from folk music through to the Beatles & Eagles. A guaranteed good night.
firesidefusiliers.co.uk A motley collection of 5, 6, 7, or even 8 blokes who love to sing!
http://www.myspace.com/matchstalkmen Brian & Michael - the original Matchstalk Men - and L.S. Lowry

FOLK CLUBS AND FESTIVALS
www.poyntonfolkfestival.com - Poynton festival every April
www.folkclub.org.uk - Westhoughton Folk Club
http://redshedbootlegged.bravehost.com - Concerts in Wakefield, Yorkshire
www.spirefolk.org.uk - Attic Folk Club Chesterfield
www.fman.freeserve.co.uk Davylamp Folk Club (Washington Arts Centre)

MONOLOGUES
Lancashire Born & Bred - Comedy Poems and Monologues.
toontoons.com - Gary Hogg's website
monologues.co.uk - Make 'em Laugh, Humorous Monologues & Poems
Mike's Monologues - Humorous Monologues in Lancashire Dialect
Graveyard - Graveyard Monologues
Salt Town Poets
Howling Dog - Created in Lancashire, the comic poems of Steve Morris
Raftery the Poet - Poet with a difference, as well as dual nationality - from Lancashire, now lives in Yorkshire
Poems For Kids & Krumblies - Poetic Memories of Northern Life

MISCELLANEOUS
www.abcounties.co.uk - The Association Of British Counties. Find out the true county for any town in Britain
www.forl.co.uk - Friends of Real Lancashire
Rupert Bear Annual covers - See the complete range of Rupert's Annual covers
After Dinner Speakers and Motivational Speakers - from the Now You're Talking Speaker Agency.

2007-06-14T18:00:00.009+01:00

Memoirs .... from 2000 onwards ....

2000

WALLS SAUSAGE ADVERT - January was mainly singing in folk clubs. In February I went to Shepperton Studios in London for a three day shoot to record an advert for Walls Sausages, in which I led an escape party of prisoners digging an escape tunnel from prison. It's all been worked out wrongly, and instead of popping up through the ground beyond the prison walls we're still inside!

MAGNIFICENT MONOLOGUES - When I wasn't singing for a crust, March and April were consumed with recording the album "Magnificent Monologues." I did this in digital format throughout for the first time, and gathered together seventeen of the greatest humorous monologues ever written - all with piano accompaniment. The finished album came back from the CD factory on May 28th 2000.

ANOTHER OLDHAM TINKERS WORLD TOUR - May saw the Oldham Tinkers and me doing another world tour, again reaching far flung places. We did the Municipal hall at Colne followed by a sell out at the Oldham Coliseum Theatre. As part of BBC Music Live 2000, we did another sellout, this time at Bolton Albert Halls. It was promoted by GMR, quickly edited, and broadcast the next day. That same evening I went back to the Municipal at Colne and had the great pleasure of presenting a concert with the Nelson Civic Choirs and Peter Skellern. It was broadcast live, complete with my counting down everyone to sing "Perfect Day" in sync with the rest of Britain at 10pm. Then home for a rub down with a paraffin rag.

RETURN TO THE FORBIDDEN PLANET - At the Octagon Theatre Bolton - Played the part of the announcer. This is an unusual role since it's prerecorded, so you're in the live show every night but don't have to turn up!

HEARTBEAT - In an episode called "The Traveller" I played the part of manager of a Betting Office. David Essex guested as the travelling man.

Here's a clip where the bad lads try to raid my betting shop:

PAROLE OFFICER - A Steve Coogan film, in which I played the organizer and spokesman of a cycling rally. There were hundreds of cyclists gathered outside Manchester Town Hall - my job was to inform them of the rally’s events whilst the action of robbing the bank was taking place. Some of it was done the week after in Liverpool, and in true film style it all edits seamlessly together. With hours of shouting to address the assembled throng I lost my voice, just about managing to do a wild track before it went all together. Then, when you see the edited version, all those hours become 3 minutes! That’s filming.

*to be uploaded*

STRUMPET - I did 3 scenes in this made-for-TV Jim Cartwright play directed by Danny Boyle (of “Trainspotting” fame). When it got to the editing stage there was 25 minutes too much, so many scenes had to go - including mine. Very strange to see the credits at the end with my name on - yet I’m not in it. Turned out Danny Boyle and I went to the same secondary school (ten years apart) so we had a lot of tales to swap.

PHOENIX NIGHTS - Filmed my first appearance as Dodgy Eric in the first series of this landmark production. I love the outtake on the DVD where I do the whole scene in one, but get the very last word wrong “Come on Brian, it’ll be shitting bricks” instead of “shitting money.” Great fun.

VICTORIA WOOD & ALL THE TRIMMINGS - A Xmas special where Victoria wrote spoofs of many famous pieces from the literary and film worlds. I was in “Brassed Up” which was another way of looking at “Brassed Off”. It was the bandroom scene where Gloria turns up with her flugel horn and shyly asks to play in the brass band (she actually did play for the recording, too). I played the euphonium player in the band (James Bolam played the conductor), and found that if you sing down the instrument it sounds remarkably like the real thing. This came in really useful in 2008 when I was in the Oldham Coliseum production of “Brassed Off”.
Here's the BRASSED UP sketch:

I also played in another sketch, being a spoof of “ER”. All the cast, including Derek Jacobi, Richard E. Grant, Lyndsey Duncan, & Geraldine McEwan, had to speak in dodgy American accents. Luckily, that’s quite easy. It’s speaking in authentic ones that’s more difficult. I should have been in the big finale scene of the Xmas prog, but a prior concert arranged for Radio Lancashire meant I couldn’t.
Here's the WI sketch:

2001:

SHIPMAN - Played a market trader in this drama about the life and deaths of Harold Shipman, the doctor from Mottram (starring James Bolam). It involved one scene and the telling of a couple of gags (which would have been rife at that time). The scene was twice delayed, went through 3 different locations (finally ending up in Barnsley) and then never included in the final edit!

RADIO LANCASHIRE - Hosted the morning show quite a few times when the presenter (Jim Bowen) was otherwise engaged on cruise ships. I hosted a concert recorded at Colne Municipal Hall which featured the Andy Prior Big Band and special guest Bill Tarmey (Jack Duckworth of Coronation Street) who is a fine interpreter of classic songs. Also interviewed him on the morning programme as well.
I also recorded a series of ten programmes called “The Tales Of Tommy Thompson” in which I read many of the short stories that Tommy wrote in the 1940s for the Manchester Guardian newspaper. They were later issued in book form by the publishers Allen & Unwin and featured such titles as “Lancashire Lather”, “Lancashire Lines” and “Under The Barber’s Pole”. This last title was also a BBC radio series starring Wilfred Pickles.

This is a sample of one of my readings.*TT*

Let me know if you’d like more because I could issue them on CD. Each one would contain 9 or 10 stories.

BARBARA - Filmed scenes for this sitcom in Nottingham. I played the manager of a petrol station shop, along with Sam Kelly and Mark Benton.

ALADDIN - Sixty two performances as a Chinese Policeman in this Duggie Chapman production at the Albert Halls in Bolton. I wrote and performed 2 of the songs in it - here’s the song of the Chinese Policemen, where the “fat” and “thin” chorus refers to me and Paul Fairclough, the radio presenter, who was 22 stone at the time (not that I’m thin, but I looked it next to Paul).

"The Song Of The Chinese Policemen”

PHOENIX NIGHTS - During the pantomime run I was asked to be Dodgy Eric again in the 2nd series of Phoenix Nights. It turned out to be the classic scene where Eric tries to sell Brian Potter a bouncy castle with a huge phallic extension. Here’s a pic from it until I upload the whole scene:

2002:

Many gigs around favourite haunts. Another restricted world tour with Oldham Tinkers, including such watering holes as the Mechanics in Burnley (that’s the equivalent of the Town hall), Oldham Coliseum, Accrington Town Hall and Fleetwood Marine Hall.

MARK & LARD’S HALON MENSWEAR AWARD SHOW - Mark Radcliffe & Marc Riley dedicated an afternoon of their BBC Radio 1 programme to this Awards Ceremony. Tables, food, and waiter service were provided. Here's the invite we received:

Radiohead, the Charlatans, Pulp, New Order, Richard Hawley and the BBC Philharmonic were among the nominees present in the studio. Mark interviewed each in turn. This was mine:

Halon Awards

Turned out that I won! The “Fairly Truthful Tales” CD was disc of the year (it could only happen on such a daft programme).

DICK WHITTINGTON - We were asked to do the panto again at Bolton, with most of the same cast. Here’s a pic of me as Captain Codpiece:

*pic*

and one of the songs I wrote. Paul Fairclough was my sidekick again - this time as Kipper, the 1st mate. Here’s the song of the Saucy Sal:

*song*

2003:

THE ROYAL - Filmed an episode of this in summer. It was to be shown at Xmas, and I played George, a bit of a recluse, who was in charge of a forest on the hills. The interiors were shot in Leeds, and the exterior scenes were in Scarborough, so imagine how unusual it would have seemed to see a street in Scarborough completely covered in snow in September! I couldn’t find my car keys on the Wednesday I was due to leave, and the only way to get to a booking that night in Mawdesley was to have a courier bring my spare set from home. Rather fraught journey back - happy days!

One of the memorable gigs from that year was the Village Hall in Mugginton, Derbyshire, when my trusty spotlight bulb blew up part way through the first half. Still a good night, though the 2nd half looked a little dimmer.

VICTORIA WOOD’S BIG FAT DOCUMENTARY - I was asked to sing a song for this prog about fat people in Britain and America. As part of the programme, Victoria came to Radio Lancashire’s studios for a live guest spot on Ted Robbin’s morning show. I sang “Does my Bum Look Big In This?” and remembered asking the director how long the programme would be. She replied “46 minutes”. When I asked how much footage they’d shot she said “46 hours”. Thus, I wasn’t surprised when the song didn’t make it to the final edited version. It should appear on my 2009 CD “Every Song Tells A Story”. There was a Wrigley presence on the programme, though, for as Victoria entered the studios of Radio Lancashire one of my jingles was playing.

MARK & LARD - Mark Radcliffe & Marc Riley asked me to read a series of very stupid customs on their Radio 1 afternoon show. They were written by Patrick Gallagher and lovingly sculpted with sounds effects by Chris Lee. I did them from the point of view of a country rustic. Some of the titles included “Boning the Beyonce” and “Humping the Hucknall”. I remember looking at the producer part way through and saying “Aren’t some of these libellous?” She replied “Well you’re reading them!”
Here’s “Podging the Elton” - do let me know if you want to hear more of these.

"Podging The Elton”

2004:

1096 - I did a little scene in a pilot show for a proposed BBC3 series. The "1096" title refers to the policeman's number on his jacket. It starred Neil Fitzmaurice (co-writer of Phoenix Nights) and was directed by Noreen Kershaw. Unfortunately, it didn't make it it through to be a series.

In the scene I did, the policemen had just used the car vac at the filling station to clean the panda car's rear seat - someone had crapped on it 3 times!

BBC R2 FOLK AWARDS - Was asked to present an award at this gathering in London. I was just after Peter O’Toole and immediately before Martin Carthy, so - well placed. The award was to Nancy Kerr and James Fagen for “Best Duo”. They couldn’t be there since they were touring Australia, but I did a concert with them in 2007 at Saltburn - they’re great!

BBC RADIO - August was a radio month for me, where I hosted Jim Bowen’s Radio Lancashire Morning Show for 2 weeks, as well as being guest twice on Mark Radcliffe’s Radio 2 late evening prog. On one of these I played a compilation of all his “err ... ums” that he’d uttered on his programme earlier in the week. Luckily, he didn’t take offence .....

"Mark Radcliffe Umms & Errs”

On one of the programmes, Mark Lamaar was standing in for Mark Radcliffe. He had a knack that week of pressing wrong buttons. Needing no further encouragement, I edited some cock ups he did a couple of days before I was guest. I played them on the show and again, he didn’t take offence.
On the other hand, he hasn’t spoken to me since .....

"Mark Lamaar Nearly Gets It Right”

2005:

FAT FRIENDS - This particular episode was written by Ruth Jones, and I was asked to play the part of Tristram, an almost unintelligible Yorkshire farmer. I asked Dave Burland, the King of Barnsley, for some dialect coaching. Wardrobe and Make-Up had a field day with me.

Here's the clip:

BAFTA AWARDS CEREMONY - I was invited to Victoria Wood’s BAFTA Award ceremony in London. A lovely evening at a London theatre, complete with red carpet outside. The evening was hosted by Ted Robbins, who was the only celeb not to be phased by the malfunctioning autocue. A true pro.
I was very pleased to see one of my scenes from “Dinner Ladies” played on the big screen “ give us a teabag and I’ll suck it on the way home ...”

BBC R4 DRAMA - In “Woman’s Hour” every day on Radio 4 there’s a drama spot of 15 minutes (repeated in the evening). Sometimes they’re complete, other times they’re a series of five. This one was called “The Nocturnalists”, written by Lavinia Murray. It was a two hander about a male and a female zoo keeper. The female was played by Rachel Davies, whom I first met at the Octagon, Bolton, all those years ago, and who also played my wife in the TV episode of “Harbour Lights” we did in 1999.

GOD’S OWN COUNTY - I was part way through what I thought would be the next CD when I changed tack and recorded nineteen songs which have some connection to Lancashire.

HEARTBEAT - Played George Costello, owner of a travelling fair. David & cohorts had stolen a food kiosk - George and his brother turn up to claim it back. Turned out my silent, menacing brother was a fellow performer from the folk world - Joe Stead!

I always wanted to have a go in one of those 1950s cars, but when I drove the Standard Vanguard in this episode it shattered a myth. Makes you realize how far car technology has come.

Here are the scenes:

THE LOWRY, SALFORD - Together with the Oldham Tinkers, we hired the Quays Theatre for the first time. Great night. We did it again in 2007.

SHAMELESS - After saying I wouldn’t do a part in “Shameless” if ever asked, I was asked in September to be in an episode from series 3 and said “Yes”. I played the manager of a “Cash Generator” shop who also went in for cottaging in gents’ toilets. Spent the whole time in or just outside the public toilets in the centre of Swinton, near Manchester. Oh, the glamour of filming.
Fool that I am, I accidentally wiped the recording from my hard drive, otherwise I’d put a clip here in all its glory.

TRIBUTE TO HOVIS - The Bolton poet, Hovis Presley, sadly died this year, and we held a tribute to him at the Albert Halls in Bolton. Everyone performing gave their services for free with all the money going to charity. Performers included Mark Radcliffe, Johnny Vegas, John Shuttleworth, Badly Drawn Boy, Archie Kelly and meself, the whole thing being ably compered by my good friend and Hovis buddy Bob Williamson.
Here’s a pic from the night of Bob and Johnny Vegas:

*pic*

2006:

KELLOGGS NUTRIGRAIN - It’s always satisfying to be asked to do an advert, especially one like this - a voiceover using animatronics so that real animals seem to be speaking as if human. So, I did the audition, did the recall, and went to a studio in London to record two scripts. The next thing is they don’t want you after all, and here’s a couple of hundred quid for the studio fee & bye-bye. Must have been someone from Kelloggs who decided that, so I’m pleased not to buy their sugary shite any more on principle (not entirely true, since I never bought it before).

RADIO LANCASHIRE - After hosting many Morning Shows and doing four of my own series - that’s it. That BBC local radio station isn’t employing freelance people any more. After all, the Beeb has to pay Jonathan Ross six million pounds a year, and the money for him and similarly serious salaries has to come from somewhere.
Still got all the programmes though, for I recorded them myself. I’ll make some of them into CDs, and some of them would suit being posted on the site as podcasts. Watch this space!

SHORTS FOR ALL OCCASIONS - When I got to 184 one verse poems I asked Gary Hogg (of Fairly Truthful Tales) to draw cartoons for a quarter of them. This way I could make a book of 96 pages and every double page could contain 4 verses and one cartoon. You can see pages from it by clicking on the “Books & CDs” link.

CONCERTS - I decided not to include the singing side too much in these memoirs, or it would all get too long. Suffice to say the village halls, theatres and folk clubs were really enjoyable this year. If you came to one - many thanks! Hope you enjoyed it too.

2007:

IT'S ADAM & SHELLEY - A couple of days after I saw Steely Dan in concert at Aintree, I played an irate hotel manager in a funny sketch from a BBC3 series featuring this talented twosome. Involves a naked bum shot at the end, but all is revealed (heh) if you watch it from the beginning:

MANCHESTER MONOLOGUES - Along with actors Noreen Kershaw and David Crellin I was asked to pick a short list of entries in the Manchester Monologues competition. “Monologue” in this context didn’t refer to the humorous rhyming sort, but to a “Talking Heads” style narration.

At the finals showcase in the futuristic looking URBIS building in Manchester the selected entries were performed, some by the authors, and some by us. I compered it as well, doing selections from my “Shorts For All Occasions” to break the ice. Great night all round.

BBC R4 DRAMA - Did an episode in a series called “Take Away” which charted a particular shop in Yorkshire throughout the ages. Each episode was a chapter portraying the different nationalities of families that had owned the premises (Italian, Asian etc from the 1930s to the present). This episode was “Patty’s Patties” featuring the West Indian owners, and I played the electrician who fell in love with Patty, the owner.

CONCERTS - Apart from my own gigs, I think the Oldham Tinkers and I had the best year ever. We did seven of our favourite venues (Burnley, Morecambe, Oldham atc) and loved each one.

2008:

A MEMENTO FROM YORK - Here's a cameo interview with me from an evening in 2008 at the Black Swan folk club in York. It was recorded & edited by Oliver Crocker and Mervyn Cumming - thanks, boys!

click here: "THE BOLTON BULLFROG" on YouTube

THE LONGS AND THE SHORTS OF IT - My second book of one verse poems. The title came about because some of the poems aren’t just four lines long. Certain situations need eight or twelve lines at times - otherwise I like to say it’s similar but different to the first book.

Click here to see sample pages

WESTHOUGHTON FOLK CLUB - After having won the BBC R2 award for best folk club, and running for 35 years, Patty Batty decided to call it a day. All the stalwart punters were invited to a celebratory bash at the magnificent Rivington Barn, and I was asked to compere the event. I had the great pleasure of introducing the likes of Maddy Prior, Vin Garbutt, Julie Matthews, Phil Beer, Strawhead, and the original line up of the Oldham Tinkers for a truly memorable send off. Ceilidh by Rogues Gallery was great.

for loads more pictures go to http://www.folkclub.org.uk/index.html

BBC R4 DRAMA - Took part in “Worktown”, which is a new drama based on the extensive range of photos that Humphrey Spender took in Lancashire for the 1930s “Mass Observation” campaign. The writer, Michael Symmons Roberts, wrote the dialogue using his imagination whilst looking at Humphrey’s evocative pictures. As well as being on Radio 4, this was also made into a multimedia presentation with new photos alongside the originals.
You can view the original photos at the website for Bolton Museum:

Mass Observation Images

ENGLISH INTERNATIONAL: 3 CD BOXED SET - Roots Records released a sumptuous 3CD boxed set with a booklet about the history of the English concertina.

Many historic recordings from wizard box squeezers throughout the ages and around the world are included, as well as works specially recorded. Fans of the instrument will appreciate this labour of love.

Here's "A Civil Affair" - one of the 3 tracks from me on the album:

"A Civil Affair”

If you'd like one, and would like to save a tenner, (£15 instead of £25) then email me!

WOOD & WRIGLEY - Phil Wood, Manchester radio presenter, and I began recording daft sketches for inclusion on his Sunday programme.

Here’s one such - it's what you might call a turbo driven piece:

"The Animals Of Farting Wood”

BRASSED OFF - Was asked to play the part of Jim in Kevin Shaw’s production at Oldham Coliseum. So, when we arranged to do the 9th Tinkers/Wrigley concert there for 2nd October, little did I know I’d be making 44 trips there during August and September.
Jim & Harry have most of the daft lines (some pathos too) in the play, which was written from Mark Herman’s screenplay. Every performance had a live brass band on stage (different band every week) and the miming down the instrument I perfected during Victoria Wood’s “Brassed Up” sketch came in very useful for the scenes when we were part of the band.

*pic*

SOULED OUT - During the run of “Brassed Off” I nipped over to Stoke to do a part in the cinema film “Souled Out”. I’m an irate factory manager who sacks two of his employees for caring more about soul music and Wigan Casino than their jobs.

MASSIVE - Played another irate character - this time the owner of a video shop who doesn’t really want to sell a camera to the daft lads. Six part series, including Ralf Little and Johnny Vegas.

Here's the clip:

BBC R4 DRAMA - Played the part of Vodicka in Christopher Reason’s adaptation of “The Good Soldier Svejk”. Svejk was played by Sam Kelly, with whom I’d last worked on “Barbara” in 2001.

2009:

May saw the release of the CD "Every Song Tells A Story". You can hear a sample of every track by clicking the "CDs & BOOKS" link, and here's an animated feature specially made by Huckleberry Films for the track "Hobo's Blues":

Thanks to Dave & Caroline! This came about when they were asked by Friends of the Earth to make a short feature called "Soy Story" in which I play a bull who travels to South America so that he can answer his daughter's questions about where their food comes from. It features hip hop artist Scroobius Pip and has played at the LIVEstock comedy event in London and Yale environmental film festival in the USA.

Here it is:

Hear me talking with Mike Harding on his BBC R2 folk programme in July:

INTERVIEW WITH MIKE HARDING

********************************

Whereas I handle the singing side myself, all enquiries regarding the world of professional acting should be directed to Emma Ashcroft at:

Sharron Ashcroft Management (click to see the website)

Tel 01422 883090

2007-06-14T17:57:00.016+01:00

Memoirs ...... the 1980s & 1990s .........

1980

THE ZOO A Granada film for tv about a football team, of which I was a member. All the soccer playing was filmed at Preston North End's ground. We had to attend some training sessions with the official team coach, which left us slightly fatigued - I can remember opening the car door at the end of a particularly strenuous session and I couldn't lift my leg over the door sill!

FUN FACTORY - Granada's follow up to "Mersey Pirate" and broadcast live from the ex-warehouse nearby that was "Albion Market." I mimed to a prerecorded version of "Saturday Cowboys"which was a single release on DJM at the time, and also interviewed a girl who was the champion UK bubble gum blower. Elvis Costello was another guest on this episode, and it was Jeremy Beadle's first TV programme.

Here I am, talking to Billy Butler & performing the song:

1981

CROWN COURT - I played a dodgy electrician called Rex Meredith who rewired a disco before it burnt down. I remember Elizabeth Spriggs playing the defendant and Pamela Salem as a barrister.

GLAMOUR GIRLS - This was a Granada series starring Bridget Forsyth. I played a bloke in a restaurant complaining bitterly about the service.

1982

BOTTLE OF GUINNESS SUPPORTERS' CLUB - This was a £2m advertising campaign which included two 10 sec and two 45 sec tv adverts. I played and sang the title role of the foreman on the building site who bought all the construction workers a round of drinks in the pub at night. In an effort not to waste freshly poured Guinness from each take, we ended up slightly the worse for wear at the end of a three day shoot. The song was a parody of a Gilbert and Sullivan song from HMS Pinafore.

Here's the advert:

STRANGERS - A Granada series which was the forerunner of "Taggart." I played one of the detectives at a weekend conference on urban guerrilla tactics. The mansion house where it was filmed (near Macclesfield) is now a restaurant.

1983

CORONATION STREET - I did three episodes as Harry the Breadman who fancied Bet Lynch when she lived over Alf Roberts' corner shop. Harry also flirted with Deirdre, who worked in the shop at the time. Link to: Who's who in Coronation Street

INSURANCE MAN - Another Alan Bennett film, this one about Franz Kafka as a young man. My scenes were filmed in a tannery in Keighley which, without any tampering, passed for Czechoslovakia in 1912! I shall never forget my immortal script direction-"Workman B is pissing"

1984

EMMERDALE - I played a customer who entered the Woolpack pub, but after looking round and after having a few words with Amos, the landlord, decided to take my custom elsewhere.

BONNY BRID - A 3 part BBC NW series about the effect of the cotton famine on the working folk of Lancashire. I played the local singer and concertina player, both at the pub and at a wedding.

PRIVATE FUNCTION - In this film I was the painter who was renovating the chiropodist's shop that Michael Palin's character had taken over. My speaking part ended up on the cutting room floor. However, that particular scene was also recorded by BBC2 for FILM 84 with Barry Norman. So, in between interviews with Alan Bennett (writer) and Malcolm Mowbray (writer and director) the tv broadcast that very scene-before the film was released without it!

1985

HIDEAWAY- This was a series about an alleged criminal hiding in the depths of Derbyshire. I played a champion darts player. It took nearly two hours to to do a cutaway shot of a dart hitting the bull!

LADA TRAINING FILM - I played a rather thick counter assistant called Wally who worked behind the sales counter in a garage. Needless to say, he did everything wrong. Because I was involved in every scene the time during the three day shoot seemed to fly by.

1986

RITA SUE AND BOB TOO - Directed by Alan Clarke. My part was the schoolteacher, which involved a scene in the classroom and another walking up the steep hill in Haworth (ten times)

Here is the classroom scene, and then a part of the Haworth scene.

1987

BBC2 NEWSNIGHT - This was an election special, and because Bolton town is judged to be a barometer of national voting opinion, I was asked to write a song which included certain relevant issues in each verse. For instance, I sang the verse about hospitals outside the hospital gates, and the education verse outside a school. Very unusual to have a singer on Newsnight.

The eighties were filled with live performances including a return trip to Cyprus, three visits to Hong Kong, the Shetlands Festival, and radio programmes, such as "Folk On 2" "Unglamorous Nights" (Radio 3) "You and Yours" (Radio 4) and quite a few on local networks. It wasn't until '89 that I did another live theatre production. This was back at the Octagon and gave me a strong sense of deja-vu. It was exactly twenty years since the "Bolton Massacre" and here I was doing a play about the civil war again in the same building. This was "Lass From The Man and Scythe." I wrote the songs and played a philosophical character called Dust who was like a time traveller, narrating and linking scenes together.

1990

WEBSTERS BITTER - advert. I played in two of these ads, firstly as a bloke who had a ferret down his trousers, and in the other I played the voice of a police horse conversing with the two equine stars.

1991

KILROY - This was a discussion about North versus South. Usual chat stuff where nothing ever gets resolved. Complete waste of time.

CORONATION STREET - The story was that Mavis had been feeding Derek nutmeg to spice up their love life. Turned out he pinched a lady's bottom in the supermarket (she was played by Jane Cox). I played the husband, Harry Shaw, who eventually threw Derek out of his house. Six years later, Jane and I are husband and wife again in Emmerdale (Lisa and Barry Clegg) Link to: Who's who in Coronation Street

WAITING FOR GODOT - In '91, again at the Octagon we did Andy Hay's production of this Samuel Becket classic. I played Estragon and Mike Harding played Vladimir, with Richard Hayes as Pozzo and John Lloyd-Fillingham as Lucky. Mike and I were nominated for the Northern Drama Awards after this. We didn't win, but it's flattering to be nominated.
This excerpt is a trailer for the production by BBC NW:

1992

PACKING THEM IN - A C4 production shot before an invited audience at Wakefield Playhouse with Frank Skinner and Jenny Eclair (amongst others). I played a sketch in which I was covered in blood and gore, staggered in the pub, and uttered the line "Who left that sodding Jaguar in the car park".

ALADDIN BOLTON - Back again at the Octagon for Christmas '92 I played Abanazer in pantomime there. This version takes its name from wherever it's being performed, and is full of songs from the 1960's. All the actors were the musicians as well - great fun to perform, and just as well, for we did fifty two performances.

1993

LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE - Played a gypsy called Duane whose wife (played by Kate Robbins) bought a load of patio furniture from ace salesperson Ma Wainwright (played by Jean Alexander). Duane was so annoyed that he took the lot back and went in Wainwright's shop saying "This is how to deal with salespeople." Next time we see them they've bought twice as much furniture and Duane is trying to convince his wife what a bargain it was.

1994

CHILDREN'S WARD - This was the series before it changed its name to THE WARD. I played a heavy called Bernard?! who worked for a moneylender (played by Lesley Claire O'Neill) and drove a 7 litre Chevy convertible around - great fun!

EMMERDALE - I played a c&w singer called Hank Johnstone who sang in the bar of the Woolpack. His accent kept slipping from pseudo-American to broad Northern. After he'd introduced each song, the dialogue took over with music underneath. It was the episode where Zoe told her dad she was gay.

MANCHESTER SHIP CANAL - 100 YEARS - In '94 I wrote songs and performed them (with Wilf Darlington) for a Radio 2 Arts programme which celebrated the centenary of the Manchester Ship Canal. Produced by Pete Johnson who then went to be a presenter on Jazz FM. Here are a couple of items from it, which show both sides of the raging argument for and against. The "Lords Of The Loom" we found as a speech, and set it to a four part harmony. The "Venice Of The North", with Wilf on piano, imagines the prosperity that the canal will bring to the area.

"Lords Of The Loom” "Venice Of The North”

1995

GRIMM - This was one of a series of plays in the NEW VOICES series featuring new writers and new directors. This was directed by Noreen Kershaw (who then went on to do CORONATION STREET.) I played a bingo caller obsessed with death e.g. "Number ten.... Rillington Place"

ROAD -In '95 I had to rearrange my solo dates yet again when I played the part of Scullery in Jim Cartwright's "Road." This was at the Royal Exchange Theatre in Manchester and was especially memorable because Jim directed it himself - the first time he had done so. Just in time too - the year after, the theatre was extensively damaged by the bomb blast.

1996

SOUL MUSIC - This is a cartoon version of Terry Pratchett's book from the hugely successful DISCWORLD series. I played the voice of Asphalt, a squashed troll. It's a Cosgrove-Hall production and only available on video.

COOGAN'S RUN - Steve Coogan did a series of six where he played a different character each week. I was in the "Gareth Cheeseman" episode, playing Tony the hotel receptionist who chose to be hard of hearing when it suited him - which was most of the time when faced with individuals like Cheeseman. Tony also had a scam going with the hotel prostitute (played by Gaynor Faye) where he set her up with clients, she would rob them whilst they were asleep, and the two of them would split the profits. Filmed in Surrey during the hot June of '95, and produced by Geoff Posner.
All the episodes are still available from BBC Worldwide.

CORONATION STREET - One of Don Brennan's card-playing taxi driver friends was Stan Whaller, the part I played for one episode. Together they decided to fleece young Ashley at cards, but he ended up beating both of us!

BRASSED OFF - I played Chapman,the union official, in this cinema film. The scenes I was involved in were shot in October and November of '95 at the colliery near Hatfield Woodhouse, a few miles from Doncaster. Reading the complete script is one thing, but it wasn't until I saw the premiere at Leeds International Film Festival that I realised what a powerful production this is. It has humour, pathos, tragedy, and a strong integrity - I felt proud to have been involved in it. As a special treat at the premiere the Grimethorpe Colliery Band, who feature throughout the film, played a short concert in front of the screen.

EBC - This was a corporate video shot specifically for staff training. It involved playing around twelve different parts with corresponding costume changes. An actor's dream.

POLICE TRAINING VIDEO - This was shot in and around Harrogate, where the Police training unit is. It was to do with the change in the law regarding cautioning of suspects. I played a cafe owner helping police with their enquiries. Also memorable for me because when driving home the day after I hit a traffic island refuge and wrecked a wheel and tyre!

1997

EMMERDALE - In December '96 I started recording the part of Barry Clegg, a rather odd inventor who lived in a barn on the Clegg's pig farm. He and Lisa had an agreement that despite their not wanting to be married anymore, it would be very convenient if he could stay at the farm and pursue his life's quest-building a manned rocket. One influential factor was that Barry's rocket ran on pig muck-a "pig poo powered projectile." The story's based on there actually being a reward of $6 million for the first home-made manned rocket to reach the ceiling of 72 miles. The trouble began when Lisa started dating Zak Dingle. He and Barry did not get on.
After the whole business ended with the farm and rocket blowing up (a rather spectacular scene which is included in the "25 years of" section at the end of the "Dingles Down Under" video) Barry returned in July to wreck Lisa's wedding to Albert Dingle. November. December and Jan' 98 saw Barry back, carol singing with Zak, and with a new invention: a treadle-powered microwave oven! This proved to be a dismal failure with the Dingle's Christmas dinner, but not to be outdone Barry altered the power source to an exercise bike with much more success.
When I finally got round to digitising the scenes I did, there turned out to be so many (from nearly 40 episodes) that I started a seperate link. See *EMMERDALE in the LINKS on the left.

THE LOWER DEPTHS - In summer of '97 I realized one of my ambitions - to take part in a drama production on Radio 4. This was Alan Plater's adaptation of Gorky's "Lower Depths" : a tragi- comic play about a group of people in a Russian doss house at the turn of the century. I was a character called Kletzch, and also played concertina - a tune for the theme, and as accompaniment to the song which all the characters sang. It was recorded in Cardiff and produced by Alison Hindell.

MY SON THE FANATIC - A film directed by Udayan Prasad of Hanif Kureishi's short story (screenplay also by Kureishi). I played a drunken bloke who picks up the starlet (Rachel Griffiths) in a bar (called "Manningham's"- a reference to the racist nature of the comedian performing there). Then he humps her in the back of a taxi. This section filmed in a car on a trailer driving around Halifax. The director remembered me from when he was an editor working on Alan Bennett's "Afternoon Off" and asked for me specifically to play the part. What a memory!

Sadly, the scene had been edited to remove the shot of Charlie against the the wall with clouds of steam rising as he widdled. This was achieved by using a condom full of warm tea. On the command "Action" the props man punctured the condom I was holding, and the result was a very realistic clouds of steam! Very clever props man.

KNIGHT SCHOOL - This is a children's series shot at Granada. I did a cameo role in one episode as a highwayman called Stan Dandeliver!

SNOW WHITE - More rearranging of gigs, for Christmas '97 saw me playing the part of Muddles, the original pillock, in "Snow White" at Southport Theatre. I sang Buggerlugs Loves Sugarbutty in duet with Snow White (played by Ann Nolan), and sketches with Sarah the Cook (Duggie Brown - my old mate from "Mersey Pirate)"

1998

PASSION PLAY
- A production of this startling play was done by Barrie Rutter's "Northern Broadsides" company over Easter. We rehearsed Monday and Tuesday, and the first performance was Wednesday! The first four were at the Viaduct theatre in Halifax. For Easter Sunday and Monday we transferred to the Saltaire complex near Bradford. I played Cayphas the High Priest.

COLD FEET
- I played a taxi driver in the first series of this ITV production, taking Adam (James Nesbitt) to the hospital. Directed by Declan Lowney (of Father Ted fame).
Here are the scenes stitched together:

THE COPS
- After three improvisational auditions for a particular part, I ended up playing a completely different one - that of an irate householder whose fish had been stolen. It was filmed three roads away from our house!
Here are the clips from it:

DINNER LADIES
- I was billed as "Man in queue" for this, the first episode of Victoria Wood's very funny sitcom. I only uttered the one (immortal) line "Is there no gravy?" It was great fun. Here's the scene:

LIMESTONE COWBOY
- It was a great pleasure to do this play in Coventry at the Belgrade Theatre during August and September. Written by Bob Eaton (the artistic director at the Belgrade) and Sayan Kent, it's the story of George and Grace Burke (played by myself and Eithne Browne) and how they inherit a farm on the Derbyshire hillside. They're huge country and western fans (in fact George tried to make it big in Nashville twenty years previously but only lasted two weeks) and he thinks he's got his own Ponderosa. As the plot develops it looks like they'll lose it all, resulting in some great argument scenes. Coupled with some excellent songs and musicians, and local linedancers for good measure, it was a delight to perform.

XMAS TOUR WITH THE HOUGHTON WEAVERS
- I did the tour with the lads in 1988 & 1989, and it's a pleasure to be asked to do the 1998 one. It encompasses twenty one dates throughout December from Rhyl to Ulverston and all stations in between.

1999

CORONATION STREET - I played the part of the very odd Rev. Marvin Winstanley. Roy contacted the Rev with a view to conducting his wedding ceremony with Hayley. After showing him round the little meeting place and the upstairs chapel of the John Doe Reformed Resurrectionist Ministerial Church, Roy tells Hayley. She is not impressed because Marvin implied she would be the first trans-sexual he would have married.

Here's the visit, with an introductory scene from Roy & Gail:

NORWEGIAN LOTTERY ADVERT - In April I was asked to go to Norway to take part in a commercial for the Norwegian Lottery. This involved playing the part of a slightly camp hairdresser who goes into a dream whilst noticing the lottery results on the salon TV. The lady's hair he is cutting suffers as a result - she ends up looking like a trimmed poodle. It will be fascinating to see the finished version. Luckily, no-one speaks in the ad (it will be a voice-over) or I'd still be there. Lovely countryside around Oslo (but the beer is so dear!)

RADIO LANCASHIRE - I've been standing in for Jim Bowen on the morning show with Sally during the summer, and I've been doing a series of programmes about anecdotes for broadcast in September.

ERIC MORECAMBE PLAQUE CEREMONY - In July I had the great honour to be asked to unveil a plaque outside the house where Eric Morecambe grew up. This was the week before the Queen unveiled the bronze statue of Eric on the promenade there in Morecambe. The "Wrigley's Wrandom Jottings" programme on Radio Lancs began in August. Sixteen weeks of me rambling on about a particular topic and interspersed with my favourite records. Lots of the Beach Boys and Steely Dan were included - broadcast Sat at noon repeated Sun at 3pm.

HARBOUR LIGHTS - For ten days in September I did an episode of "Harbour Lights" for BBC TV where I play an unsavoury character called Martin Blade. He gets murdered, and I was pleased that the weather was still warmish when I had to spend an afternoon in the harbour, fully clothed, being washed up as a dead body. Great fun - beaten up as well.
It was shown in 2000 - here are some of the scenes:

OLDHAM TINKERS WORLD TOUR -In October, apart from my usual solo gigs, I did another world tour with the Oldham Tinkers, reaching far flung resorts like Wigan, Blackburn and Morecambe.

DINNERLADIES - In late October and throughout November, I recorded episodes 5 and 6 of Victoria Wood's "DinnerLadies," broadcast set for 23 and 25 December. Not only was it an absolute hoot to rehearse and record, but the scripts have added depths of drama and pathos. Very clever lady.
Here I am pleading for bacon, liver, underwear, and gasping for a cup of tea:

This is the scene where I sing and dance with the brilliant Sue Devaney:

XMAS TOUR WITH THE HOUGHTON WEAVERS - It's a Christmas of dressing up in women's clothes again, because I'm Fairy Snowdrop in the Christmas tour with the Houghton Weavers. It's a great blend of seasonal songs and silliness. Check their website www.houghtonweavers.com

Click on MEMOIRS 2000 on for the last thrilling instalment!

********************************

Whereas I handle the singing side myself, all enquiries regarding the world of professional acting should be directed to Emma Ashcroft at:

Sharron Ashcroft Management (click to see the website)

Tel 01422 883090

2007-06-14T13:02:00.118+01:00

Memoirs ..... up to 1979 .......

I thought I'd write down as many things as I could remember about the various TV, film, radio, theatre, and music I've done - before I forget!

My first recollection of acting was during a school production of "Macbeth." I was playing the porter, a rather coarse character, and when I realized I could actually belch as loudly as I wanted in front of the headmaster and other teachers - I did! About that same time I got interested in folk clubs. Initially, it was because of the close proximity of the performer. Where else can you ask about chords and finger styles when the performer is right in front of you? A schoolfriend, Dave Brooks, and I learnt guitar together, more or less teaching each other. We became resident at Bury folk club but had to stop in...

1968

CROMPTON'S MULE - Robin Pemberton-Billing asked us to supply and perform the musical content in this, the Octagon Theatre's first documentary. Here's a sample of Dave, me and Jane Wood from the cast singing "3 Apprentice Weavers":

3 Apprentice Weavers

NICE TIME - This was our first TV appearance. It was on Granada and hosted by Kenny Everett and Germaine Greer. They advertised for anyone who could play tunes on their teeth. Dave and I, along with eight others, played "Sailor's Hornpipe" on teeth and head.

DAVE & BERNARD at the railroad track: 1966

1969

BOLTON MASSACRE - Dave and I had returned to the Octagon and turned professional to do this, the theatre's second documentary, all about the civil war in Lancashire.

Dave & Bernard on the roof of the Octagon during "Bolton Massacre" run

HOME RECORDINGS - We loved doing recordings! The equipment was usually ropey, but by the time we did this one I'd got a B&O 2000 tape recorder. Reels at 7 ½ IPS!

Here we are singing "Gower Wassail"

Dave & Bernard sing "Gower Wassail"

GRANADA ROADSHOW - This was the first incarnation of a programme with this name. We sang in two episodes. One was filmed on a pier at Blackpool when we sang a sea song, and I had a stuffed parrot on my shoulder. The second episode was filmed in Kirby Lonsdale where we were dressed as country yokels to sing a version of "Bridgwater Fair". I also remember the Liverpool Scene doing a blues, with Adrian Henri singing "You make me feel like a wellington filled with blood."

FAITH AND HENRY - Whilst at the Octagon we were asked to write and play the music for a TV play set in Bolton. Produced by Kenith Trodd and directed by Jack Gold. As a twenty-one year old it was exciting going to London to play in sync with the film footage. Here'a sample of one of the demos we did for it, showing the music speeding up and down with the action on screen:

Music from "FAITH & HENRY"

YTV - The same year we were approached to write and sing Christmas jingles for Yorkshire TV. We were pleased with the end result, but the rostrum camera operators went on strike, and our jingles were broadcast the next Christmas.
Click to hear one of them:

Dave & Bernard sing "Lay The Table"

The instrumental passage after the first verse was the bed for the programme information voiceover.

FOLK CLUBS - Dave & Bernard had a good reputation for the live gigs. Here we are in action at the "Bull & Stirrup" folk club in Chester around 1969. Sounds a little rough but the atmosphere is great. Thanks to Tony Ballard for keeping the tape over the years:

Dave & Bernard sing "Roll Alabama Roll"

We stayed on at the Octagon to do "Charlie Came To Our Town" (by Alan Plater), "The Hollow Crown," "Work Is The Curse Of The Drinking Classes" and finally a show we wrote ourselves - "It Brings Good Cheer." Then we went our separate ways.

1970

KEN CAMPBELL ROADSHOW - I joined the "Octagon Roadshow" which, after four weeks, became the "Ken Campbell Roadshow." With Ken, Dave Hill, Jane Wood, and Bob Hoskins, we performed playlets and songs in in pubs and clubs around the North, including a two week run at the Cockpit theatre in London.

CALENDAR - The first tv programme I did in a solo capacity was to sing my first song ("Our Bill and the Concrete Mixer," which I had just written) as part of an item on the Ken Campbell Roadshow.

BOLTON WANDERERS - I left the Roadshow after a few months to write the songs for and to perform in another Octagon documentary - "Bolton Wanderers," which charted the origins of the team and had an interactive second half!

Here's a sample of the cast in action from a BBC R4 review of the play:

The cast sing “When We Were Up”

The last verse mentions Teddy Vizard, one of the great names from the early days of the team. During the run of the play we tried to get similar legends, whom we knew were still with us, to come and see the production. One night Teddy Vizard came along and was duly pointed out during the action. He stood up and got a rousing ovation.

SPRING & PORT WINE - Then I was asked to write a song for the production of "Spring and Port Wine", which resulted in "The One Place For Me". I recorded it with Ted Richards (who was then a member of the Octagon company) on drums. The theatre sound system then was so bad that on the opening night I took my B&O tape recorder down and dangled the lid speakers out of the booth - it was a better sound! The song, along with views of Bolton, was the opening scene.

Here's a snatch of that home recording:

"The One Place For Me (orig)"

They used our cat in that production (deaf, white Persian). She was ideal, not being able to hear extraneous noises on stage. Had to take her there every night! I hasten to add that the sound at the Octagon is excellent now, and in 2008 Noreen Kershaw directed a new production of S&PW. She kindly used my song (the Buggerlugs version from 1993) at the very end.

"The One Place For Me (1993)"

THE ABOMINABLE SHOWMAN - I stayed on to write and perform the music for this show by Tim Shields, about the life of Phileas Barnum. Here's a rehearsal demo of one of the songs, from when Barnum becomes a "gent" (the drummer is John Kelly):

"Song For A Gent"

MUSIC HALL - In the first of the "Music Hall" productions there I remember singing "Nobody Loves a Fairy When She's Forty" dressed in clogs and a tutu. Some things never change, for here I am dressed similarly in 1999, repeating that earth shattering performance on the Houghton Weavers' Xmas Tour:

ROLL ON FOUR O'CLOCK - I was still working at the Octagon theatre when Colin Welland (writer) and Kenith Trodd (producer) asked me if I'd sing a traditional Scottish song (Jute Mill Song) as the theme for their tv play. I played a guitar accompaniment and tracked a concertina over it. I can't find the end credits where I'm singing the song, but here's the opening sequence where I'm playing the tune as the action unfolds:

By now the songwriting bug had bitten and instead of finding traditional songs to perform in folk clubs and concerts, as we had always done, I began to write my own. Some of them appeared on the first two Topic albums, and by the time the Transatlantic lps were released virtually all of the material was self-composed

1971

SAID THE PREACHER (BBC2) - This was my first acting role on tv. I played a lout whose pilfering habit the local vicar was trying to cure. It also included Victor Henry and Madge Hindle - directed by Michael Apted.

HOME AND AWAY - This title predated the Australian soap by quite a few years. It was a six part Granada series written by Julia Jones and starring Gillian Raines (Mrs Leonard Rossiter). I was cast as an office clerk for three of the episodes.

1972

THE FRIDAY BROWN SHOW - I remember singing two songs on this local BBC show, wearing some awful trousers from BBC wardrobe, and looking quite out of place playing my bass concertina.

DAY OUT - It was May of '72 and I was asked to play daft Ernest in Alan Bennett's first tv film, directed by Stephen Frears. It took about a month to shoot, in and around Halifax and Ripon. It was originally planned to be filmed in sepia, but ended up in black and white. I still shudder at the scene where we fall off the bikes - because it actually happened, and we ended up in the casualty ward. The nurse thought we'd broken out of an asylum when we turned up bruised and battered in 1912 costumes!

Here are some of Ernest's scenes:

1973

BALLAD OF THE NORTH WEST - I acted and sang in this local BBC TV documentary series which showed how the events of the past two hundred years in the area have been reflected in song. Narrated by Harry Boardman and directed by Douglas Boyd.

Here's a demo from it with Wilf on the fiddle and me on the concertina:

"Foster’s Mill"

1974

SUNSET ACROSS THE BAY - Alan Bennett's second tv film was about a couple retiring to Morecambe - the place where they'd always gone on holiday. I played a milkman delivering to their house and engaging in conversation with them. I remember that after take 5 I'd knackered the electric milk float.

Here's that clip:

FAIRPORT CONVENTION - I bought a ticket to see Fairport (the Jerry Donahue era) at the Albert Halls in Bolton. As I'm sat there, one of the organizers came up and said "Are you Bernard?" I thought it best to own up, and he went on to tell me that the support band hadn't turned up and would I do the spot before Fairports? I replied that I'd bought a ticket to see them and of course hadn't got any instruments with me - to which he offered to refund the ticket, pay me to do the support, and could I nip home and get my guitar etc? Of course I did, so I saw the band (great) for free, did a spot and got paid.

Throughout the seventies I sang in folk clubs, festivals and concerts all over the country, including a couple of trips abroad - France and Cyprus. I remember Christmas Day '74, twiddling the radio dial and hearing me singing "Nelly the Elephant." I presumed it was a local radio recording I'd done until I realized it was Radio Paris broadcasting a recording made a few months earlier during the French trip!

Here I am performing "Knackered" at a student gig at Boot Hall in Nottingham, mid seventies:

"Knackered" in Knottingham

And here's a live recording from BBC R2's "Folk On Two" when Peter Pilbeam was producer. It's from the Black Diamonds' club in Chester - Tony Capstick introduces me:

"Blow Away The Morning Dew”

1975

THAT'S LIFE - I broke down on the M62 going to Leeds to play on the "Les Dawson Show" for YTV. It was six hours before I finally met the AA patrol, and I was telling the story to a wordsmith I know called Henry Boot (not McAlpine's competitor). He wrote this tale into a parody of "Riders in the Sky". I sent a tape of this to "That's Life" and Glyn Worsnip liked it and sent a film crew to record me singing the song on the motorway bridge at Birch Services. So, I missed the ITV show but ended up doing a BBC one instead!

Here's a recording of the song a few years later from a BBC concert:

"The AA Song"

GRANADA REPORTS - I was asked to write and sing a song each week for the programme's "Consumer Desk" each Monday. Some weeks there was only a day's notice, and I remember the sixth one being axed due to an industrial dispute.

THE WHY FRONTS - A short lived supergroup! It started with Bob Williamson, Roger Woodcock and me, and then Roger wasn't there. Bob and I used to raid the Benny Hill vaults for material, then eventually we were too busy doing solo stuff to keep the Whys going. Roger's living in the Isle of Man, and Bob, one of that great breed of comedy folksingers, is lying low in Bolton, daft as ever, and still writing comedy. Here's a clip of the 3 of us doing a Scaffold piece at Bury folk club that year. Thanks to Pete Lewis for the tape:

"Permissive Society"

IN THE HEEL OF THE HUNT - I played concertina for a scene in this Granada tv film in which the Irish construction workers were having a knees up whilst in the process of building the M62. Directed by Leslie Woodhead.

1976

THE FESTIVE POACHER - (by Ian Taylor) This was one of the "Second City Firsts" series produced by Tara Prem (Mrs Brian Glover). My character was a young bloke who lived with his grandma (played by Liz Smith). He'd spent all his money on the upkeep of his racing greyhound and had to steal a turkey for Christmas. I recorded two songs for this. One was a theme song I wrote for the beginning and end: the other was a carol which was played as if on the radio in the kitchen during the first scene. As it finished, John Dunn's voice said "That was Bernard Wrigley singing "The Holly and the Ivy". In their infinite wisdom the BBC accountants decided to eventually wipe the whole series.

THE FOSDYKE SAGA - This production, for which I wrote the music, was initially performed at the ICA in London. It was scripted by Alan Plater from the characters created by Bill Tidy. BBC2 also recorded a performance at the Haymarket theatre in Leicester. This was broadcast as a play and produced by David Rose. I put the theme song "Fosdykes Arise" on my "Ten Ton Special" LP the year after. The Scaffold recorded the song as well, and I remember playing as one of the band on a gig in Worcester not long after. Still waiting for the dosh.

Here are a couple more songs - these are from the rehearsal demos I recorded:

"The Red White & Blue" "Lily Livered Coward"

FOSDYKE TWO - A year or so after I did the same for the sequel - two of those demo songs are here:

"The Fosdykes Will Rise Again" "The Tripe Step"

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT- These were five minute clips shown every weekday before the network shut down at night. They were recorded as 40 minute concerts before an invited audience in the studio and edited from that. Mine was recorded on the same night that John Laurie (Dad's Army) gave his renditions of the poetry of William McGonigle. Guests on other weeks included Spike Milligan, Wilfred Makepeace-Lunn (the inventor) and the Oldham Tinkers.. Directed by Arthur Taylor, who later published an authoritative book on pub games.

1977

AFTERNOON OFF - Another Alan Bennett film. This was about a Chinese lad asking everyone in town if they'd seen his girlfriend called Iris. I played a foundry worker. "Bite his ankles, Dougie" will always be a favourite line. Filmed in Hartlepool, dubbed in London. The editor is now a director, and remembering this film he asked me to play a part in "My Son the Fanatic" in 1996.

1977 was the Queen's Jubilee year and two extra Royal Command performances were scheduled. I was asked to be in the Manchester one at the Palace Theatre, along with Stuart Hall, the Oldham Tinkers, and the entire cast of Coronation Street. I read out a rather fitting Marriott Edgar monologue - "Jubilee Sovereign," played "Tea for Two" on the guitar, and sang "September In The Rain" in falsetto. Coupled with meeting the Queen and Prince Philip afterwards, it was a very memorable evening.

CORONATION STREET - I played a compere/comedian for two episodes in the Gatsby Night Club where Rita sang and Ernie Bishop played the piano. At the end of the first episode, just as a stripper was in full flight, the police raided - much to the dismay of councillor Alf Roberts. I had to tell some dodgy gags, hoping that people wouldn't think it representative of my normal stage performance! In those days everyone turned up every day to rehearse all the scenes, as in a theatre production. The same happened in EMMERDALE - a far cry from the rehearse/record syndrome of today. Link to: Who's who in Coronation Street

1978

GRANADA ROADSHOW - Another series using this name. This time it was a series of four concerts produced by Trevor Hyett. My episode was recorded at Haigh Hall, an ex-stately home near Wigan. Other guests were Steeleye Span and the stunning American guitarist Leo Kottke. I can't remember what I sang, but I'd just returned from some gigs in Cyprus wearing a tan and an Eagles t-shirt. After this I wrote a Kottke-inspired tune "Raggetty" which ended up on my 'Instrumental Album".

YANKS GO HOME - Drama series shot at Granada. My job was to play an entertainer doing a rather poor imitation of Al Jolson. I remember being glad they didn't want a good impersonation, and that Bruce Boa starred in it.

VILLAGE HALL - A Granada drama series about six completely different village halls and the characters involved. My episode was called "Miss Health and Beauty" from which I remember Elizabeth Spriggs and Sue Nichols (just before she became Audrey in Coronation Street). I played a singer dressed in a gorilla suit singing "Girl from Ipanema" in falsetto! I remember rehearsing this in Camden, London and in the next room the group "Guys and Dolls " (very popular then) were practising routines.

ME, I'M AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF - An LWT production writted by Alan Bennett and directed by Innes Lloyd. I played a teacher in a night school - a very cynical character and a joy to perform. When recording was over I remember walking to Euston along the Thames Embankment at night and visiting the Houses of Parliament to watch a debate.

View a scene from the play:

I was also asked to write a song for the play, which I did. I called it "Our Trevor". It never got used, but it's always flattering to be asked. Here's my demo of it:

"Our Trevor"

1979

MERSEY PIRATE - A most innovative children's programme broadcast live every Saturday morning from the Royal Iris ferry boat, which was actually sailing up and down the river during transmission. Duggie Brown played the captain - I was the French chef (Pierre le Oui Oui). It included mainly live items with some prerecorded sketches and songs. I used to demonstrate recipes musically as parodies of well known songs eg: "September In the Rain" was used for Quiche Lorraine. I bought our first video recorder so I could watch the programme when I got home later on Saturday. Unfortunately, half of the series was lost due to industrial action over use of steadicams. Here I am with a musical recipe recorded on that very machine:

And here is Pierre le Oui Oui making a mess of the Captain's dinner:

CORONATION STREET - I played a chauffeur who took Hilda and Stan on their second honeymoon. This was the original 3/4 scale set next to Water Street, and I can remember turning the Daimler under the bridge and stopping dead - there was a brick wall in the way. Link to: Who's who in Coronation Street

WOOD AND WALTERS - Vic and Julie's series for Granada was directed by Stuart Orme, who also did "Mersey Pirate." I sang and played on Victoria's "Northern Song," doing a spoof clog dance in the middle. Later I remember being a dead body in a sketch with the girls and Michael Angelis.

FIVEPENNY PIECE SHOW - Did the guest spot on one of their BBC2 shows recorded at the Poco a Poco in Stockport. I sang "Buggerlugs Loves Sugar Butty" (freshly written) "Nelly the Elephant" "Girl From Ipanema" and then sang with them on "Big Jim," little knowing I would join the band in 1995.

Here I am doing "Buggerlugs Loves Sugar Butty"

and here's "Nelly the Elephant" on the bass concertina:

Apart from my own lps, we did one called "Lanky Spoken Here!" in 1979. It was adapted from Dave Dutton's book of the same name and Dave and I wrote the songs. It was recorded live and also included Fivepenny Piece, Bob Williamson, Gary and Vera, and Tony Melody. The subject was the humour contained in the Lancashire dialect, and the posh translations were read by Robert Dougall and Shiela Tracy. A very funny album which EMI later deleted in their wisdom, only to reissue on CD in 2003.

Click on MEMOIRS 80s/90s for the next thrilling instalment!

********************************

Whereas I handle the singing side myself, all enquiries regarding the world of professional acting should be directed to Emma Ashcroft at:

Sharron Ashcroft Management (click to see the website)

Tel 01422 883090

2007-06-13T23:25:00.026+01:00

THE PHENOMENAL B. WRIGLEY (1971) / ROUGH AND WRIGLEY (1974) CD (two LPs on one CD) (£10 inc. p+p)
My first album, on Topic, was recorded in two sessions, the first being at Cecil Sharp House and originally intended to be part of a "New Voices" album. The second session of songs and tunes was recorded on an 8 track at Livingstone Studios in London, and engineered by Nic Kinsey. The tunes I found in an old family manuscript, dated 1789, and called "John Wynder's Book." Produced by Bert Lloyd.

The second album also features tunes and songs (both traditional and self-composed). Fifteen tracks were recorded on an 8 track and mixed in one day at Great Northern Studios in Hyde. Then Tony Engle rang to say could I do four more! It transpired that the Scully mixing desk was the actual one used in the sixties for the Rolling Stones' first album.
In the late eighties I bought the original masters and issued both these Topic albums on one cassette on my own LOOFY label - LOO 003 & 4. When that cassette was retired, the tracks were lovingly remastered for CD release, and this comes complete with a thick booklet reprinting all the original LP liner notes for the first time. Click here or on the album cover to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

SONGS, STORIES, & ELEPHANTS (1976) CD (£10 inc. p+p)
I wanted to issue a live album next and did a recording with Topic. They decided they didn't want to issue a live one, but gave me the tapes. Turned out there was mains hum on them, so I approached Nat Joseph at Transatlantic. He was keen to do a live album, and this was recorded at Leicester University and Preston Grasshoppers club - produced by John Whitehead. It was intended for release on the lower priced XTRA label, but they were apparently so pleased with the outcome that it made the full price Transatlantic label. I was especially pleased with the caricature on the cover - me playing concertina whilst riding an elephant. I bought the original masters eventually and issued it on Loofy 005 as a cassette. Now remastered for CD. Click here or on the album cover to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

TEN TON SPECIAL (1976) CD £10 (inc. p+p)
One side live and the other studio. The live side was recorded at the Highwayman Inn in Threapwood, Staffs. The studio side was recorded mainly at Pebble Beach studio in Worthing and produced by Dixie Dean (formerly of McGuinness/Flint) In fact, Hughie Flint played drums on this side. "Teabag In My Coffee" was released as a single in '76. When I bought the masters in the late eighties, I decided that two songs didn't fit, so I replaced them with : THE MARTIANS HAVE LANDED IN WIGAN, recorded for Pete Townshend's ill-fated PROPELLOR label in 1980, also produced by Dixie Dean, and including Patrick Moore: secondly, SATURDAY COWBOYS (studio version) which was produced by Kevin Parrott of "Brian and Michael" fame and originally issued as a single in 1980 on DJM. The album's now on Loofy 006, remastered for CD with extra tracks. Click here or on the album cover to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

THE BOLTON BULLFROG (1981) CD £10 (inc. p+p)
This was the first album that I issued myself. It was recorded live at the Teanlowe centre in Poulton-le-Fylde, and engineered by Stan Whalley. The experience I got whilst editing the Transatlantic albums stood me in good stead. It was a few years before CDs would become widely available, and pre-recorded cassettes still hadn't got a good reputation, so it was vinyl only. The first thousand were on black vinyl, then a hundred were pressed on orange. Thankfully, cassette technology improved greatly during the eighties, but now it's on CD.
Click here or on the album cover to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

RUDE BITS! (1985) CD £10 (inc. p+p)
My second self produced album. At the time, Phil Cool was running a comedy club called Laughing Gas in Chorley. It had a similar format to a folk club inasmuch as there were residents, people who did floor spots, a guest performer and an interval in the middle. The only difference was that people told gags instead of singing songs. I did a booking there earlier in the year then went back in September to record the evening. Included in the silliness is Howard Lees, playing guitar with me in his inimitable way. It was after this that I obtained my own Fylde guitar. Issued originally on cassette, now on CD. Click here or on the album cover to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

THE INSTRUMENTAL ALBUM (1988) CD (with bonus tracks!) (£10 inc. p+p)
No doubt helped by my Fylde guitar, I put sixteen of my own instrumental compositions together. Some are on solo guitar, some on two or three. They range from slow airs, through ragtime style numbers to blues tinged and jazz-influenced numbers. "Pickersgill People" is a tune I wrote for a BBC2 series, and for this album I added a middle eight and recorded it on four concertinas to sound like a small concertina band. A school teacher once admitted he uses it as a piece for the children to play in his music class. Originally a cassette, I remastered it for CD in 2002, with 3 newly recorded bonus tracks, making
a total of 19. Click here or on the album cover to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

WANTED: LIVE! (1991) CD £10 (inc. p+p)
I'd started recording what would be the BUGGERLUGS album and realized that it was going to take so long to get proficient with the computer programming and simply arranging all the songs that I ought to do a live one in the meantime. A few months previously I'd done a very enjoyable evening at one of Phil Knight's concerts at Clitheroe Cricket Club. This recording was done on a special night there, and engineered on the Brickmobile. The photo of me on the cover is from a production (Lass From The Man & Scythe) at the Octagon theatre. I played a character called Dust, but when I saw the picture I thought it belonged on a Wanted poster. Click here or on the album cover to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

BUGGERLUGS (1992) CD £10 (inc. p+p)
This labour of love took over two years. It contains new songs and some classics that had never appeared on my solo albums. Songs like "Young Molly Kershaw" had previously been recorded by Fivepenny Piece, amongst others. My very first solo composition - "Our Bill and the Concrete Mixer" had only been available on "Owdham Edge" before, with a guitar accompaniment. "Buggerlugs Loves Sugar Butty" and "Heavy Breather " had only been available on "Lanky Spoken Here" (EMI - now reissued on CD).
In 1993 I issued it on CD with bonus tracks taken from some earlier albums, including "The Martians Have Landed In Wigan" "Saturday Cowboys" "Fisherman's Friend" and two from the Instrumental Album. Click here or on the album cover to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

ALBERT, ARTHUR, & the CAR PARK (1997) CD £10 (inc. p+p)
This album is different again inasmuch as live tracks and studio tracks are intermingled. The live section was recorded at Stocksbridge Garden Pavilion when I was right in the middle of being Barry Clegg in Emmerdale. Studio tracks were done at Brick Studios again on an 8 track. Another varied offering including daft songs, serious songs, and no less than two monologues. The title is derived from three of the tracks - "Albert, the Lion, and the Drink", "King Arthur and the Chastity Belt" and "Is There a Car Park?" Click here or on the album cover to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

MAGNIFICENT MONOLOGUES (2000) CD (£10 inc. p+p)
As the title suggests, this is a recording of seventeen of the most well known monologues ever written. There are five of the Ramsbottom stories, including "The Lion and Albert" and "The Return Of Albert," followed by five of the Stories of Sam Small. These include the one that started it all - "Sam, Sam, Pick Up Thy Musket." Next come the historical sagas including "Battle Of Hastings" and "Magna Charter," followed by Robb Wilton's famous novelty "Back Answers" and a little-heard Al Read monologue about the problems of moving a wardrobe. All the monologues are with piano accompaniment, and a lot of them are the authentic music parts that were written for and issued on the original sheet music.
The enclosed twelve page booklet contains notes about each track, a history of the humorous
monologue, and an appreciation by BBC comedy producer Mike Craig. Click here or on the album cover to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

FAIRLY TRUTHFUL TALES (2002) CD (£10 inc. p+p)
I'd finished "Magnificent Monologues" and was thinking about doing something similar but different, when this bloke from up near Norway (Newcastle, actually) sent me a copy of "Dead Men Don't Wear 'erringbone." I thought it was excellent, and began to record it with a band accompaniment in mind. Before I'd finished it Gary Hogg had sent another six, and I realized we would soon have enough material for an album. It was then only a matter of ironing out certain dialect differences and rhyming patterns, and we'd assembled thirteen of them at the next count. There's an accompanying book of the same name with 40 monologues and lots of Gary's cartoons, now available only from Gary at www.garyhogg.co.uk
With help from the Amblethwaite Colliery Band and piano player Burt Terrace we hereby present for your delectation a collection of thirteen fairly truthful tales. Click here or on the album cover to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

MAGNIFICENT MONOLOGUES VOLUME 2 (2002) CD (£10 inc. p+p)
Hot on the heels of "Fairly Truthful Tales" and "Magnificent Monologues Vol.1" comes this collection featuring monologues not only from favourites Marriott Edgar, Stanley Holloway and Al Read, but no less than seven from the pen of Mike Harding. There are also three Ramsbottom family writties from John Bilsborough. The CD also sees the return of Burt Terrace on the piano and the Amblethwaite Colliery Band. Click here or on the album cover to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

MONOLOGOLOGY (2003) CD (£10 inc. p+p)
Here's the fourth monologue CD - after Magnificent Monologues, Fairly Truthful Tales and Magnificent Monologues Vol 2. This collection is entirely written and performed by Bernard. An hour of old favourites (including Robin Hood and the Bogey Rolling Contest, and The Police Constable and the Rare Butterfly) and brand new tales (such as Queen Boadicea, and A Life Of Bike) - all recorded for the first time with musical accompaniment.
Click here or on the album cover to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

"AMBLETHWAITE 'APPENINGS" (2004) CD (Loofy 018 CD) (£10 inc. p+p)
The fifth monologue CD, and the true follow up to "Fairly Truthful Tales." This has 14 further tales from the pen of Gary Hogg about the nutters who live in that north country village called Amblethwaite. Musical accompaniment includes piano, band, and string quartet, and the booklet opens out to reveal the front page of the Amblethwaite Post with articles about the stories behind the tracks. Gary's accompanying book (More Fairly Truthful Tales) has 40 monologues with cartoons. Click here or on the album cover to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

[Book] MORE FAIRLY TRUTHFUL TALES (2004) the sequel to "Fairly Truthful Tales", £8 inc. p+p

Another 40 of Gary's monologues! 14 of them appear, with musical accompaniment, on my CD "Amblethwaite 'Appenings". They're all illustrated with his superb cartoons. Whereas his book "Fairly Truthful Tales" is only available from him at www.garyhogg.co.uk this book is still available from me as well. Click here or on the book cover to see the full contents

GOD'S OWN COUNTY (2005) CD (Loofy 019 CD) £10 (inc. p+p)
Released in October 2005, with nineteen songs from or about the county of Lancashire. Includes a definitive version of "Rawtenstall Annual Fair" with the crowd, the fairground, and a band; a tribute to "The Tripe Ships Of Wigan"; a tongue in cheek celebration of the joys of living "Up North", plus sixteen others using a wide variety of instruments - running time almost an hour.

In the 8 page booklet there's a brief history of the county and an explanation of the current border confusion. CD text is supported as well - see all the titles as they play (providing your CD player supports it). Click here or on the album cover to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

[Book] SHORTS FOR ALL OCCASIONS (2006) One verse poems, £8 inc. p+p

Released in April 2006, this book has 96 pages containing over 180 one verse poems, 45 of them having specially drawn cartoons by Gary Hogg. Whether you're reading in bed, in the smallest room in the house, or on the train, you'll find something daft that's relevant to someone you know. Buy a few and solve your Christmas presents in one fell swoop! Click here to see sample pages

[Book] THE LONGS & THE SHORTS OF IT (2008) 1 verse poems, £8 inc. p+p

Released in May 2008, and encouraged by the reaction to the SHORTS FOR ALL OCCASIONS epic, here's another 96 page book of one verse poems. The difference is that this time some are 8, 12 and even 16 line verses. The similarity is that they're just as daft, and contain lots more beautifully crafted cartoons by the maestro - Gary Hogg. Click here to see sample pages

EVERY SONG TELLS A STORY (2009) CD (Loofy 020 CD) £10 inc p&p

Released in May, this features 17 tracks and runs for 53 minutes. It's a mixture of serious and silly songs, but they all have one thing in common - they all tell a story. There's Michael Smith's haunting tale of the elderly Dutch couple (The Dutchman), the third song in my Knocking Nelly trilogy (Knocking Nelly & The Mothman), the much-requested co-written "Some Bugger From Yorkshire", and Dominic Behan's lovely "Liverpool Lou". The fourteen other gems include two of Cyril Tawney's ("Sammy's Bar" and "On A Monday Morning") and ALL of them can be sampled by clicking here:

Click here to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

MARK & LARD'S ANCIENT CUSTOMS (2010) 2xCD (Loofy 021 CD) £10 inc p&p

Released by popular request, these 2 CDs feature all 29 of the very silly readings I did every day on the Mark & Lard show on BBC R1 in 2004.

Spot the hidden performers' names, and thrill to such titles as "Podging The Elton", "Humping The Hucknall" and "Boning The Beyonce" in the colourful world of Patrick Gallagher's Ancient Customs.

The complete tracklisting and some MP3s can be sampled by clicking here:

Click here to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

SONGS OF THE SEVEN SEAS (2011) CD (Loofy 022 CD) £10 inc p&p

Featuring 22 tracks of classic and new songs, with a 12 page booklet. Includes Talchuano Girls, Donkey Riding, Whaleman's Lament, Outward Bound ... all played on a cornucopia of concertinas, mandolins, guitar, cittern, and bozouki

Click here to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

2007-06-12T16:48:00.001+01:00

Photos...

Current - 2007
Please use either of these top two pics if you want one for publicity etc. The others are not for publishing, merely historical.

Current - 2007
Taken on the same day as the above - after a change of clothes.

Early 1980s
A publicity pic which I can't remember having been taken. I had a few hundred duplicated though and had them for years.

Bouffant, 80s
A mid 80s publicity shot from the time of the Rude Bits recording in 1985. Taken by a newspaper photographer as I sat in the garden, with my trusty bass concertina on knee.

Sidmouth 1985
Taken at Carina's - one of the venues at the Sidmouth Festival in 1985 - by my 11 year old son. The gig was one of eleven gigs I did that week, with different songs at each.

Chester 1980s
At Chester Festival in the late 1980s - this was the upstairs folk club venue. Sang there again during the Festival in 2005.

Lass at the Man and Scythe, Bolton
I was the narrator in a play called "Lass at the Man & Scythe" at the Octagon Theatre in 1989. It was written by Les Smith from the story by Alan Clark called "John o' God's Sending." I wrote the music, and the character I played was called "Dust." I later was looking for a picture for the cover of "Wanted Live!" and used this. Others said I was wearing the Queen Mother's hat.

1990s
Dark hair on a dark background! I used this until someone made their own poster from it for their club and they drew round where they thought my hair should be - I looked like I had a lopsided afro!

Waiting for Godot, Bolton
Playing Estragon in "Waiting For Godot" at the Octagon Theatre again in 1991. I shall never forget it - the Gulf War started as we were rehearsing.

Waiting for Godot, Bolton (2)
With Mike Harding as Vladimir, the other tramp in "Godot." We did 32 performances and were asked to take it to London, but that didn't work out (Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson ended up doing it instead)

Studio shot, 1996
A posy shot from 1996. I remember going to pick the print up but couldn't get to the place because the IRA bomb had just gone off in the centre of Manchester.

Emmerdale
Emmerdale in 1997. Barry Clegg leading the retreat from the farm as his rocket was about to blow up. Good old Marlon Dingle had pressed the wrong button.

Emmerdale (2)
Emmerdale's Barry Clegg and his beloved rocket, posing for a publicity shot in 1997. I did nearly forty episodes spread out over the span of a year. Great fun.

Limestone Cowboy, Coventry
With Eithne Brown in "Limestone Cowboy" at the Belgrade Theatre, Coventry 1998. We played a couple who loved country music and who even did gigs together. It all fell apart when mineral deposits were found on their land - but they lost the rights to it and their marriage almost fell apart.

Xmas Tour with the Weavers
Lager fairy on the Houghton Weavers Xmas tour 1999. The things you do for a crust!

Publicity shot
This was taken in 1999 in the same month I played the Rev. Marvin Winstanley in Coronation Street. It was the time that Roy and Hayley wanted to get married; Roy found this cowboy vicar on the internet and came to suss me out. Hayley was not impressed and ended up asking a female vicar to do the honours.

Closet Sailors
With Wilf Darlington as "Closet Sailors" at Maryport Festival 2000. We sang sea songs with fiddle and concertina accompaniment.

Phoenix Nights, 1st series
The first series of Phoenix Nights in 2001, where Dodgy Eric tries to convince Brian Potter that the club ought to have a mechanical bucking bronco. "Come on Brian, give it a week and it'll be shitting money"

Dick Whittington, Bolton
As Captain Codseye in "Dick Whittington" Bolton 2002/3. I wrote a song all about sailing on my ship "Saucy Sal." The year before I was one of the Chinese Policemen, which of course meant I had to write a Policemen song.

2007-06-11T17:40:00.014+01:00

MP3s...

Here is a full list of all the MP3 snippets:

THE PHENOMENAL B. WRIGLEY (1971) & ROUGH AND WRIGLEY (1974) on one CD
01 - The Molecatcher
03 - Green Ship
04 - Other Folk's Childer
13 - Jack The Horse Courser
17 - Ballad Of Knocking Nelly
18 - Manchester Recruits
21 - Campanero
29 - Hand Loom v. Power Loom
34 - Old Man and His Wife
36 - The Rigs Of London Town

SONGS, STORIES, & ELEPHANTS (1976)
07 - Cheek To Cheek
09 - Nelly The Elephant
15 - Police Constable And The Rare Butterfly
16 - September In The Rain
18 - Knocking Nelly And The Sixty Niner

TEN TON SPECIAL (1976)
06 - Robin Hood And The Bogey Rolling Contest
08 - Transport Digs
09 - The Martians Have Landed In Wigan
10 - Saturday Cowboys
12 - Tea For Two
13 - Teabag In My Coffee

THE BOLTON BULLFROG (1981)
04 - John Willie's Ferret
12 - On Again, On Again
14 - Vasectomy
16 - Girl From Ipanema
18 - Who Put The Thing In Thingie?

RUDE BITS (1985)
02 - Elmer Wiggins
04 - The Return Of Young Arthur
06 - Nudist Colony
13 - One Note Samba
22 - Brewer's Droop

THE INSTRUMENTAL ALBUM (1988)
01 - And Some
08 - Shuffle In F
09 - Swing Ding
10 - O' Wrigley's Concerto
11 - Sliding Down

WANTED: LIVE! (1991)
08 - On The Range Home
12 - Fisherman's Friend
14 - Silly Old Bugger
16 - Cricketus Interruptus
18 - I'm A Pillock

BUGGERLUGS (1992)
01 - Buggerlugs Loves Sugar Butty
02 - Blue Moon
03 - Our Bill And The Concrete Mixer
04 - Constable Oh Constable
05 - Heavy Breather

ALBERT, ARTHUR, & THE CARPARK (1997)
01 - Is There A Car Park?
03 - Back In The Old Schoolyard
08 - Corrinna Corrinna
11 - Albert The Lion And The Drink
12 - Family Xmas

MAGNIFICENT MONOLOGUES (2000)
01 - The Lion And Albert
03 - The Jubilee Sovereign
04 - Sam Pick Up Thy Musket
13 - The Battle Of Hastings
17 - Try It The Other Way Round

FAIRLY TRUTHFUL TALES (2002)
01 - The Fire In Nan's Front Room
02 - Edie's Last Ride
05 - The Bartholemew Family Photograph
09 - The Mystery Of The Boating Lake Mermaid
10 - The Secret Life Of Walter's Mittens

MAGNIFICENT MONOLOGUES VOLUME 2 (2002)
01 - Albert And The Privy
02 - The Man From The Pru
04 - The Ballad Of Cowheel Lou
11 - Albert And The Condom
14 - The Channel Swimmer

MONOLOGOLOGY (2003)
01 - The Police Constable And The Rare Butterfly
02 - A Life Of Bike
08 - Robin Hood And The Bogey Rolling Contest
09 - There's Something In The Bottom Of Our Lavvy
11 - Queen Boadicea

AMBLETHWAITE 'APPENINGS (2004)
01 - Father Tralee And The Infernal Flame
03 - The Warburtons' Disappearing Waistcoat
07 - Don't Go Changing
08 - The Pontificatin' Chauffeur
09 - When Cyril Waggott Dropped Dead For The First Time
10 - Jacky And The Night Watchman's Dog

GOD'S OWN COUNTY (2005)
01 - Rawtenstall Annual Fair
02 - A Begging I Will Go
03 - The Tripe Ships Of Wigan
04 - Fine Feathers
05 - Up North
09 - The Binman Song

EVERY SONG TELLS A STORY (2009)
01 - The Dutchman
02 - Down In The Fields Where The Buttercups All Grow
03 - Liverpool Lou
04 - Does My Bum Look Big In This
05 - Hobo's Blues - Here's a specially made animated feature:

06 - I'll Go Back
07 - Some Bugger From Yorkshire
08 - Sammy's Bar
09 - Darcy Farrow
10 - On A Monday Morning
11 - Knocking Nelly & The Mothman
12 - Have A Drink On Me
13 - Knicker Night At The Legion
14 - House Of The Rising Sun
15 - No More Cane
16 - Kinky Keith
17 - St James Infirmary

MARK & LARD'S ANCIENT CUSTOMS (2010)

Disc 1-02 Spearing The Britney

Disc 1-03 Podging The Elton
Disc 2-01 Jerking The Jay Kay
Disc 2-08 Humping The Hucknall

SONGS OF THE SEVEN SEAS (2011)
SevenSeasSample

MEMOIRS
2002 Halon Awards

2007-06-03T09:43:00.000+01:00

WORDS & MUSIC - 2

More songs written in the seventies ...

1: HOLES IN THE ROAD
2: QUEENS OF THE HIGHWAY
3: LANCASHIRE LASSES
4: THE MARTIANS HAVE LANDED IN WIGAN
5: BLACK PUD STUD
6: THE HALF TIMER

All these songs are written or co-written by me, and registered MCPS/PRS. If you sing them in a club, then do keep to the honourable custom of mentioning the author(s). HAVE FUN!

**************************************************

1: HOLES IN THE ROAD

Inspired literally by the amount of roadworks near our house at the time. I began to wonder if the different companies ever envied the other workers' holes (so to speak).

(click on the music above for a bigger image in a new window)

The water board and gasmen
There’s a game that they both play
They take on all the council men
You can see them every day
They have no rules to work by
For they know no workers’ code
They all see who can leave the biggest
Holes in the road

Near our house there lies a road
The subject of debate
They came to mend the water pipes
They were only three years late
They struggled on for four weeks
With no bonus, so I’m told
But they left some of the best and biggest
Holes in the road

Now some of these were large holes
And some of these were small
And in one the folks held concerts
‘Bout the size of the Albert Hall
But one bloke filled the biggest hole
With water, so it’s said
And ferried people into town
For 40p a head

The gasmen felt outdone by this
For they’d lose the holemakers’ prize
So they disconnected the gas pipes
Blowing a hole of incredible size
Blaster Bates was envious at this feat
And so he told ‘em
Put some dustbins down the hole
And call the place ‘New Oldham’

When the ‘leccy board heard of this feat
A terrible thing they did
They welded all their wires together
And fused the National Grid
The gasmen saw the hole they made
And trembled at the size
But they’d blown up all the roads they had
And no-one got the prize

The moral of this story’s clear
As you have all been told
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s goods
And most of all, his holes
Or like the workers in this song
You’ll wear a heavy load
They had no place to dig to leave their
Holes in the road

I recorded this on ROUGH & WRIGLEY

Click here to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

**************************************************

2: QUEENS OF THE HIGHWAY

The first co-written song I did with Henry Boot from Chesterfield. Henry was a lorry driver (if it were today he'd be a truck driver) and had lots of related stories. I would pick out the verses I liked and add a few before I wrote the tune. The tune was easy in this case - it's traditional.

(click on the music above for a bigger image in a new window)

I’ll tell you of the Queens of the Highway
And believe me I’ll tell you no flannel
It was told me first hand by the lads on the trucks
It’s as true as I’m riding this camel

A clean girl is Nelly from Salford
She works around number nine dock
And she has a bath every Christmas
That’s whether she needs one or not

And Gladys, the gobbler from Grantham
The Queen of the southbound A1
Had spent far too long on the trailers
And gave birth to a seven pot son

This little ten hundred by twenty
His face was a picture so glum
‘Cause he’d E.R.F. stamped on his belly
And 3-4-REVERSE on his bum

One evening while strolling through Wigan
I bumped into a smart looking wench
Her knickers were down round her ankles
And her tights on a nearby bench

She was leant with her back to a building
Her skirt tucked up way past her hips
Her eyes held a moment of magic
Her hands held some fish, peas and chips

Well, I gave her the usual patter
I chatted the best that I could
When I asked her to look at my etchings
A voice from behind said he would

It was Jimmy, long distance from Glasgow
We both knew that he’d overheard
And he don’t look too kindly on drivers
Who try to run off with his bird

He lifted his hand past his shoulder
He was built like the side of a bus
We heard a strange sound, it was then that I found
He’d bust the supports of his truss

‘Twas this lack of support that had saved me
‘Cause his whole body started to tilt
When he brought his arm down, well, he missed me
And he smacked himself right up the kilt

I didn’t need encouraging further
I legged it clean out of the way
And I must have set up a few records
For there’s scorchmarks on t’pavement today

So if I stay overnight on a long drive
I never move out of my digs
‘Cause each time I hear a scotch accent
It moves me like syrup of figs

I recorded this on the CD: SONGS, STORIES & ELEPHANTS

Click here to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

**************************************************

3: LANCASHIRE LASSES

A traditional skipping song - well, the first verse is. For the other verses I imagined I was back in primary school when I wrote them on the Isle of Man boat (Liverpool - Douglas). A storm caused the trip to take nearly 9 hours, so I had plenty of time to write it, in between being seasick (but that's another story).

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I know a girl and she’s called Annabella
She stands on our grid every night with a fella
And how do I know as her knickers are yella?
I go down our cellar for coal

My brother Bongo had a ten foot six dongo
His friends all remarked, saying how it was longo
But Bongo’s long dongo is longer no longo
Since our Rover’s got a new bone

CHORUS: I love them all, all the Lancashire lasses
The fat ones, the thin ones, the ones who wear glasses
The long ones, the short ones, the ones who make passes
It’s Lancashire lasses for me

I once knew a fellow, by name Albert Dooley
Nature endowed him with different sized goolies
One of ‘em was small and it looked rather poorly
But the other two were large and won prizes

The couple next door, whose name it is Kelly
Discovered one night they’d stuck belly to belly
They thought they’d been using petroleum jelly
But our Jimmy had swopped it for Bostik

CHORUS: I love them all, all the Lancashire lasses ...

My brother Billy, who works as a baker
In matters of sex is a little matchmaker
For he’s just invented a dance called the Quaker
Once round then out for your oats

Our next door neighbour is called Mrs. Grover
She come to our door with a bone for our Rover
But Grover bent over, now Rover’s in clover
For he slipped her a bone of his own

CHORUS: I love them all, all the Lancashire lasses ...

I recorded this on the CD: SONGS, STORIES & ELEPHANTS

Click here to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

**************************************************

4: THE MARTIANS HAVE LANDED IN WIGAN

Written in 1979 with Dave Dutton after the Lanky Spoken Here burst of songs. We got a deal with Eel Pie Music, who were going to release this as the first single (PROP 001) on Propellor Records. The label was to be launched in 1980 at High Wycombe aerodrome, and earlier that year we recorded the song. Dixie Dean, the producer, and I had been to Patrick Moore's house in Selsey to record his inserts. We recorded a first mix at Free Range studios, with Pete Townshend's brother Simon on synths .... than it all stopped. After much searching, it seemed Pete Townshend had decided not to have the new record label after all. Thanks, Pete.

(click on the music above for a bigger image in a new window)

There are strange goings on in a quaint Northern town
Which the folk there are trying to keep quiet
It’d cause a sensation but they’re playing it down
For they’re frightened of starting a riot
‘Cause they’ve pit men with arms that are thirty feet long
And their heads are as smooth as boiled eggs
And the man who sells pies has got three great big eyes
And the rugby league hooker is green with six legs

CHORUS: For the Martians have landed in Wigan
And they’re wearing flat caps on their domes
And they’ve paid all their subs to the working men’s clubs
‘Cause Wigan reminds them of home

Now the Martians had lost all their bearings one night
‘Cause the compass had gone up the spout
As they landed on t’slag heap the captain said, “Right
We’re home lads, so let’s all pile out”
Well they soon realised that they’d made a mistake
So some digs for the night they all booked
Where they’d trotters and hotpot and fresh Eccles cake
And when they tasted black puddings, those Martians were hooked

CHORUS: For the Martians have landed in Wigan...

Now the Martians play bingo and speak local lingo
Like, “Sithee,” and “Ey up owd flower”
From the pier every day you can go t’Milky Way
Or a UFO trip round Blackpool Tower
So next time you’re passing through Wigan, look out
And remember the things I have said
Beware of the ones who have clogs on their feet
And aerials stuck out the tops of their heads

CHORUS: For the Martians have landed in Wigan...

On the TEN TON SPECIAL CD (& as a bonus track on BUGGERLUGS)

Click here to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

**************************************************

5: BLACK PUD STUD

Another Wrigley/Dutton composition - and very symbolic. Some would say more bolic than sym. I didn't record it until the Buggerlugs CD, then began to sing it with the Fivepenny Piece in 1996 when I joined their reformed line-up for a short while.

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CHORUS: I,I, I’m the Black Pud Stud from Bolton I like ‘em big and round
I’ve got a tasty handful for the girls all over town
I don’t know what goes in ‘em but I eat ‘em by the pound
I’m the Black Pud Stud and I’ll do you good
‘Cause you can’t keep a good man down

Now every night when I go to bed I get down on my knees
And I thank the Lord for all his gifts like pies and mushy peas
But the thing that packs a wallop, ‘cause it does your love life good
Is a great big steaming, fat and juicy plateful of black pud

CHORUS: I,I, I’m the Black Pud Stud from Bolton.......

Well, Popeye had his spinach, Desperate Dan liked cow pie best
But I stuff myself with black pud till I’m bulging out my vest
I never eat cream crackers, I don’t like fish and chips
I like to feel the black pud juice a-dripping down my lips

CHORUS: I,I, I’m the Black Pud Stud from Bolton....

So be careful of black puddings, they move in mysterious ways
Don’t take them on your honeymoon they’ll set the sheets ablaze
Our barmaid said she wouldn’t, and then she said she would
But then she wished she hadn’t ‘cause she’s in the pudding club

CHORUS: I,I, I’m the Black Pud Stud from Bolton....

On the BUGGERLUGS CD

Click here to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

**************************************************

6: THE HALF TIMER

Henry Boot (Queens Of The Highway) sent me these great verses. Usually I change words, lines, verses, or write extra, but here I think they went down just as he wrote them. I'd sometimes play it live, and it always reminds me of Uncle Bert (who became my dad) telling me that's exactly what he did when he was little.
(click on the music above for a bigger image in a new window)

At five o'clock, th'alf timer wakes
He's only just a lad
Then off to t'mill he'll go to learn
A trade just like his Dad
At first he'll fetch and carry things
And maybe oil a cog
And if he dares to show his cheek
He'll feel the minder's clog

At dinner time he takes his bread
And sits down on the stool
His head it nods, but he daresn't sleep
Or he'll be late for school
Th'alf timer sits at t'back o't' class
His head cupped in his hands
His eyes they close and then he feels
The back of teacher's hand

And so he's kept in after school
To learn his ABC
A tellin' off, some lines to write
Then home to have some tea
A clip round th'ear for being late
But t'lad he doesn't weep
'Cause all th'alf timer wants to do
Is to go and have some sleep

So then he's off up wooden hill
And in his prayers he'll say
"God bless the family and give me strength
To face another day"
And in his sleep he'll 'appen dream
Of things to come, and when
Just as a gaffer he's become
It's five o'clock again

On the GOD'S OWN COUNTY CD

Click here to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

2007-06-02T16:21:00.001+01:00

WORDS & MUSIC - 1

I published the early songs and monologues during the 1970s in a hand written book called OUT OF HIS HEAD. I later took those, added more and called the next book FABLES TO FRIGHTEN YOUR FROG. I then took those, added more again, and produced my first book with computer printed musical notation. This book I called SONGS WORTH STEALING.
The last incarnation was WRIGLEY'S WRITINGS, published by Bob Dobson at LANDY publishing in 1999. All these have gone now, so rather than issue another printing I thought I'd post them on the website. The process will take some time, so this page should keep growing.

1: OUR BILL AND THE CONCRETE MIXER
2: DIXIE'S DOG
3: THE BALLAD OF KNOCKING NELLY
4: PIE SATURDAY
5: MANCHESTER RECRUITS
6: THE ONE PLACE FOR ME
7: PLASTIC PIES

All these songs are written or co-written by me, and registered MCPS/PRS. If you sing them in a club, then do keep to the honourable custom of mentioning the author(s). HAVE FUN!

**************************************************

1: OUR BILL AND THE CONCRETE MIXER

The first song I wrote was OUR BILL AND THE CONCRETE MIXER in 1970. An embryonic version of this soon appeared on Topic's OWDHAM EDGE LP. This has since been put on CD under the generic title of DEEP LANCASHIRE, which is actually the Deep Lancashire and Owdham Edge LPs together. I did a better version on my BUGGERLUGS CD in 1993.

(click on the music above for a bigger image in a new window)

Our Bill had a concrete mixer
He was coming home last night
When he come down t’street and he saw his house
There’s a sports car parked outside

He thought “Here’s me going out to work
And my wife’s at home on t’job”
So he swore he’d get her lover boy
And smack him up his gob

Then he thought “Now look here Billy lad
Use what’s under your crop”
So he ups with his concrete mixer
- Fills the car right up to t’top

Then he gets back in his cab and sits
As quiet as a mouse
And he sees the bloke coming to his car
But he come from next door’s house

Well, Bill starts up his engine
He’d never felt such a prat
He was down that road and a mile away
In twenty seconds flat

But if Bill had stayed a bit longer
He’d have seen his wife, so sweet
Giving a kiss to her lover boy
As he pedalled down the street

So now his missus gets her oats
And Bill, he feels a berk
For thinking his wife was having it off
While he was out at work

On the BUGGERLUGS CD

Click here to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

**************************************************

2: DIXIE'S DOG

The second song I wrote from urban myths, this was told to me as a story by a bloke called Dixie.
We were performing playlets as the Octagon Roadshow in a Bolton pub called The Wheatsheaf (this was before we left to become The Ken Campbell Roadshow).
I remember we'd just done the tragic story of the girl hitchiker, when Dixie came up and told me this tale.
Bob Hoskins, one of the four of us, liked it so much he called his dog "Dixie" (this confused the dog, for it was called Arthur).
I wrote the song the same day that I wrote the previous one - in a large cupboard at the back of the Octagon Theatre.

(click on the music above for a bigger image in a new window)

One day not very long ago in a patch of pea soup fog
I put my scarf and coat on for a walk outside wi’ t’dog
The air was thick, you couldn’t see a yard or two down t’street
When something stopped in front of me - a pair of policeman’s feet

There grew from them some trousers, they were dyed in navy blue
A helmet, a coat, and a pair of hands, with a notebook in ‘em too
I pretends I hasn’t seen him, like, there being so much fog
When a thund’rous voice booms out “Now where’s your licence for your dog?”

Well, times were bad and jobs were scarce, I’d had to go on t’dole
And all the money I’d scraped together I’d spent on food and coal
He knew I had no licence, he was kicking up a fuss
He says, “Bring it in tomorrow or you’ll be having your tea with us”

So all next day I sat at home and looked at t’chimbley flue
Wond’ring if he’d come around and thinking what to do
Then I heard a noise at t’top o’t’road, it sounded like flat feet
And I knew it was that copper as he trundled down the street

Well, I hid myself behind the door as he began to knock
He’d no idea I were so near I could even smell his socks
When he got tired he went away and I brewed me a cup of tea
And I thought whatever happened, t’last laugh‘d be on me

So next day two burly rozzers come a-swaggering in the place
But I had my licence ready, and a grin all o’er my face
He says “Ey up, you were stony broke when I met you in the fog
How can you afford a licence?” I says “I’ve sold my bloody dog”

**************************************************

3: THE BALLAD OF KNOCKING NELLY

Bob Hoskins reminded me of the tale just when I'd finished DIXIE'S DOG. It's a classic story, obviously a joke, but this situation is one of the most widely found in urban myths. It's become my most widely pinched song, some performers believing it to be traditional. This is both quite flattering and annoying.

(click on the music above for a bigger image in a new window)

Gasman, coalman, water board or the bloke who mends the telly
They’re all the same to Harold’s wife, the famous Knocking Nelly
She handles all her creditors, for years she’s had no bills
But of Harrys, Roys and teddy boys I know she gets her fill

Last week when Harold’s out at work she’s upstairs with a bloke
He’s the football pool collector and he’s Nelly’s latest poke
She’s got his vest and trousers off, she’s asking him for more
But then she hears her husband dear come waltzing through the door

She bungs her lover in the wardrobe door, and then she shouts “Oh crumbs”
For dangling out the wardrobe door were the pool collector’s plums
Then Harold he comes up the stairs and says “Now hello dear
The boss gave me the day off work ... and what’s these dangling here?”

Well, Nelly’s seen this all before and a very good tale she tells
For “I’ve just been out shopping and I’ve bought these couple of bells
But they’re not of the ringing kind, in fact they’re just a joke”
So Harold lifts his finger up and he gives the bells a poke

Now Harold keeps on poking and agrees the bells are dead
And the bloke inside the wardrobe’s going a peculiar shade of red
Harold says the bells‘ll ring if he clouts ‘em with his hammer
And Nelly sitting on the bed can hardly raise a stammer

Harold smacks ‘em once and twice but still the bells won’t ring
He raises up his hammer then to have one final swing
He’d sworn to make the bells go ‘ding’ by George he wasn’t wrong
For the bloke inside the wardrobe shouts “For Christ’s sake - DING DING DONG”

Dixie's Dog and The Ballad Of Knocking Nelly are both on my first album

THE PHENOMENAL B. WRIGLEY

Click here to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

**************************************************

4: PIE SATURDAY

Written as part of the documentary BOLTON WANDERERS at the Octagon Theatre in the summer of 1970, this song also stands up on its own.
A true story of applied economics destined to end in failure.
That day (around 1896) is still known as "Pie Saturday" in and around Bolton.

(click on the music above for a bigger image in a new window)

Roll up, roll up and purchase your pies
They’re only tuppence apiece
They’re tasty and round, they’re wholesome and sound
And they’re made of the best Bolton meat

When the crowd starts coming I’ll sell ‘em so quick
I know I’ll be rushed off my feet
So get yours in now while there’s some left to sell
They’re succulent, tasty and sweet

Roll up, roll up and purchse your pies
They’re only three ha’pence apiece
They’re tasty and round, they’re wholesome and sound
And they’re made of the best Bolton meat

I’ve spent all my money in making my pies
It’s cost me a month’s rent you’ll see
But wi’t’profit I’ll make I’ll have brandy and cake
Instead of black puddings and tea

Roll up, roll up and purchse your pies
They’re only a penny apiece
They’re tasty and round, they’re wholesome and sound
And they’re made of the best Bolton meat

Now that’s the last offer I’m making today
They’re the cheapest you’ll find in the town
They cost me five pound, now look what I’ve found
They’ve outnumbered the people in t’ground

Roll up, roll up and purchse your pies
They’re only a ha’penny apiece
They’re tasty and round, they’re wholesome and sound
And they’re made of the best Bolton meat

Well that’s finished me, I’ll have to go home
But I haven’t enough money for t’tram
I’m stony broke and I think it’s no joke
I’ll be borrowing some cash off my mam

Roll up, roll up and take home your pies
I’m giving the buggers away
I’ve had ‘em a week, they’re developing feet
They’re the fastest in Bolton today

I recorded this on GOD'S OWN COUNTY

Click here to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

**************************************************

5: MANCHESTER RECRUITS

Another true story, written around 1973 for a BBC tv programme that never got made. The song lives on ...

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Cold and grey on a market day
And the people stood around
When a band of men from Scotland came
To recruit for the Stuart crown

Some were dressed in uniform
While others they had none
And a female following all the while
Was beating on the drum

Now when they reached the market place
It’s there they made their stand
Saying “Who will join with Bonnie Prince Charles
And fight at his right hand?”

The people heard the cries they made
And quickly gathered round
Some had murmured “Treason”
While others made no sound

Then Tom Sydall, the blacksmith’s son
Came forth to where they stood
His father with Sacheverell
Had fought and shed his blood

And when that they had welcomed him
The shilling in his fist
Tom Chadwick and Tom Deacon came
And cried “We will enlist”

James Bradshaw then, the merchant’s son
Gave oath that he would too
His friends and brothers followed him
And swore they would be true

The papers signed, the task was done
And still the day was new
Eighty men for Charlie’s sake
Bade Manchester adieu

Recorded on my 2nd TOPIC album ROUGH & WRIGLEY

Click here to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

**************************************************

6: THE ONE PLACE FOR ME

The brief was to write a love song for the town of Bolton, to be played at the opening of the Octagon production of "Spring And Port Wine" in summer 1970. Our white cat starred in it as well (being quite immune to distractions because she was deaf).

(click on the music above for a bigger image in a new window)

Some live by the sea and with them I’ll agree
The seaside’s a nice place to be
Some live in the hills where there aren’t any mills
And the parking lots always are free
But I’m living here cause you see
It’s the one town where I like to be
there’s no finer place and I’ll say to your face
Bolton’s the one place for me

There’s houses galore there’s pubs by the score
I can say that I know all of them
There’s a funny shaped theatre they’ve built it quite near to
The town hal and it looks quite a gem
There’s fountains and staues on show
And a precinct where cars mustn’t go
I’ll tell you again that in spite of the rain
Bolton’s the one place for me

Some folk say it’s smoky and dirty and poky
And it’s nothing but houses and grime
But if they’d come to see then they’d have to agree
It’s changing its face all the time
If you don’t like the motorways there
Get out and breathe fresh moorland air
It’s pudding and peas and a slice of bread please
Bolton’s the one place for me

They can be unkind when they say we’re behind
And we’re still wearing cloth caps and clogs
We might still have backstreets but our houses are neat
It’s not us who are going to the dogs
Our bitter is one of the best
It’ll even mend holes in your vest
I’ll make it quite clear I’m in love with the beer
Bolton’s the one place for me

I recorded it more than 20 years after on the BUGGERLUGS CD

Click here to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

**************************************************

7: PLASTIC PIES

An early protest song from me - well, a lot of people have complained about it. On the recording in 1974, Topic decided that the penultimate line "That’s up his arsehole" shouldn't go on the record. I'm sure they helped to foster the high moral standard we find the country in today. Hah!

(click on the music above for a bigger image in a new window)

Standing on the station at a quarter past eleven
Hadn’t had a bite to eat since I got up at seven
Then I espies a tray of tater pies
So I went up to the bloke and ordered four
I shot back to the table ‘cause my stomach was quite sore
But as I did I slipped and dropped the first pie on the floor
It hit the deck and caught me on the neck
Then it bounced back to the plate just like before

CHORUS: Plastic pies are all I see and all I ever get
Plastic pies and rubber cakes‘ll polish me off yet
Well damn your eyes, and take your plastic pies
And you can shove ‘em where the monkey shoves his nuts

I went back to the bloke and said “This pie’s as hard as hell”
He looked the pie all over and said “This one’s not been well”
He took off the crust and blew away the dust
Then said “I’ll change the oil and the points and plugs as well”
I rushed back to the table where the first pie should have been
There were only crumbs upon the plate, and then I went quite green
It had crossed the floor, and walked out through the door
And it caught the half past twelve to Colwyn Bay

CHORUS: Plastic pies are all I see ...

An old man selling tortoises outside the pet shop door
A drunk came by and bought one then he come back for some more
He said “Ey up Jack” and clapped him on the back
And said “I’ve never had pies as good as this before”
Now prices they are rising fast ‘cause no-one ever learns
And very soon we’ll all see signs like ‘Pies on Easy Terms’
90p a day would seem a lot to pay
When it’s just for the deposit on the tray

LAST CHORUS: Plastic pies are all I see and all I ever get
Plastic pies and rubber cakes‘ll polish me off yet
Well damn your eyes, and take your plastic pies
And you can shove ‘em where the monkey shoves his nuts
That’s up his arsehole
Shove ‘em where the monkey shoves his nuts

I recorded this on ROUGH & WRIGLEY

Click here to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets

**************************************************

2007-06-01T21:35:00.000+01:00

"SONGS, STORIES, AND ELEPHANTS" - Bernard Wrigley (1976)

Queens of the Highway / Man Who Waters the Workers' Beer / Little Aggie / Cheek to Cheek-Makin' Whoopee-Blues For Albert / Nelly The Elephant / Schoolmaster-Psalm 23 1/2-Workers' Prayer / Lancashire Lasses / Police Constable And The Rare Butterfly / September In The Rain / Knocking Nelly And The Sixty Niner

Click the clickable tracks to hear MP3s! (Click the MP3 section to hear all 66 x MP3s!). If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T21:34:00.000+01:00

"THE BOLTON BULLFROG - Bernard Wrigley (1981)

Grandad's Sweaty Feet / John Willie's Ferret / Gunner Joe / Saturday Cowboys / When Your Clogs Let Water In / On Again, On Again! / Vasectomy / The Strider, Girl From Ipanema / Who Put The Thing In Thingie?

Click the clickable tracks to hear MP3s! (Click the MP3 section to hear all 66 x MP3s!). If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T21:33:00.000+01:00

"MAGNIFICENT MONOLOGUES: VOLUME TWO" - Bernard Wrigley (2002)

Hot on the heels of "Fairly Truthful Tales" and "Magnificent Monologues Vol.1" comes this collection featuring monologues not only from favourites Marriott Edgar, Stanley Holloway and Al Read, but no less than seven from the pen of Mike Harding. There are also three Ramsbottom family writties from John Bilsborough. The CD also sees the return of Burt Terrace on the piano and the Amblethwaite Colliery Band.

1: ALBERT AND THE PRIVY (Bilsborough/Wrigley) 3:08
2: THE MAN FROM THE PRU (Harding/Wrigley) 4:21
3: JONAH AND THE WHALE (Edgar/Wrigley) 3:59
4: THE BALLAD OF COWHEEL LOU (Harding/Wrigley) 4:45
5: THE RAMSBOTTOMS AT RADIO LANCASHIRE (Bilsborough/Wrigley) 3:45
6: ALBERT EVACUATED* (Holloway/Wrigley) 3:48
7: NAPOLEON'S RETREAT FROM WIGAN (Harding/Wrigley) 5:41
8: ALBERT AND THE 'EADSMAN* (Edgar/Wrigley) 4:08
9: NOAH AND THE DINOSAURS (Harding/Wrigley) 4:22
10: OUR MAGGIE (Read/Wrigley) 2:16
11: ALBERT AND THE CONDOM (Harding/Wrigley) 4:33
12: ALBERT AND THE RED DEVILS (Bilsborough/Wrigley) 3:28
13: THE WEDDING AT 18 CLEGG STREET (Harding/Wrigley) 4:31
14: THE CHANNEL SWIMMER* (Edgar/Wrigley) 3:53
15: ACKROYD'S FUNERAL (Harding/Wrigley) 6:13

Click the clickable tracks to hear MP3s (Click the MP3 section to hear all 66 x MP3s!). If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T21:32:00.001+01:00

"WANTED LIVE!" - Bernard Wrigley (1991)

The Tide at Southport / The Poll Tax Form (R.I.P.) / Goalkeeper Joe / On The Range Clementine Wild Rover Home / Works Outing To Blackpool / Fisherman's Friend / Silly Old Bugger / Cricketus Interruptus / I'm a Pillock (the Forgetful Song)

Click the clickable tracks to hear MP3s! (Click the MP3 section to hear all 66 x MP3s!). If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T21:30:00.000+01:00

GOD'S OWN COUNTY - Bernard Wrigley (2005)

Nineteen songs from or about the county of Lancashire. Tales of the Fairs at Rawtenstall and Blackburn, songs about tripe, treachery in love, working at the height of the Industrial Revolution, and a tongue in cheek celebration of living "Up North."

1: RAWTENSTALL ANNUAL FAIR: 4:45
2: A BEGGIN' I WILL GO: 2:45
3: THE TRIPE SHIPS OF WIGAN: 3:10
4: FINE FEATHERS 2:55
5: UP NORTH 2:54
6: COCKERHAM DEVIL 2:46
7: WEAVER OF WELLBROOK 2:00
8: SAMMY SHUTTLEWORTH 4:07
9: THE BINMAN SONG 1:55
10: A WEAVER'S SONG 3:23
11: THE HALF TIMER 2:26
12: BLACKBURN FAIR 3:07
13: BEAUTIFUL TRIPE 3:17
14: JOHN O'GREENFIELD'S RAMBLE 2:16
15: WATCHING THE BOATS 2:25
16: SUNDAY PICNIC 3:12
17: JOHNNY SANDS & BETTY HAIG 1:36
18: WARRINGTON ALE 3:12
19: PIE SATURDAY 2:47

Performed by Bernard Wrigley MCPS/PRS (except where stated) copyright 2005

Click the clickable tracks to hear MP3s (Click the MP3 section to hear all the other MP3s). If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T21:29:00.000+01:00

"RUDE BITS" - Bernard Wrigley (1985)

The Cautionary Tale of Elmer Wiggins / The Return of Young Arthur (Who Trumps) / Nudist Colony / Big Business / Seven on an Orgy / Backwards / One Note Samba-Slouch-Twelfth Street Rag-Cherry Pink and Apple Cock Up Time On a Sunday / Losing Memory / Brewers' Droop

Click the clickable tracks to hear MP3s! (Click the MP3 section to hear all 66 x MP3s!). If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T21:27:00.000+01:00

"THE INSTRUMENTAL ALBUM" - Bernard Wrigley (1985)

And Some / Strider / Speedy Rag / Apple Barrel / Walking Twelve / Tell Tale / Nines / Shuffle In F / Swing Ding / O' Wrigley's Concerto / Sliding Down / When Things Were Quieter / Slouch 2 / Smudge / Raggetty / Pickersgill People / Bee Line / Gentle Ways / Bad Dogs Roll

Click the clickable tracks to hear MP3s! (Click the MP3 section to hear all 66 x MP3s!). If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T21:24:00.002+01:00

"THE PHENOMENAL B. WRIGLEY" - Bernard Wrigley (1971)

The Molecatcher / The Five Gallon Jar / Mr. Lane's Maggot-Green Ship / Other Folk's Childer / The Indian Lass / Pay Me the Money Down / Balance a Straw / Dixie's Dog / The Treadmill Song / Bonny Kate of Aberdeen-Lord Carmarthen's March / The Wassail Song / Gee, Whoa Dobbin-Jack The Horse Courser / Bonny Bunch Of Roses / Haul Away The Bowline / Bobbing Joan / Ballad Of Knocking Nelly

"ROUGH & WRIGLEY" - Bernard Wrigley (1974)

Manchester Recruits / Plastic Pies / Parson in the Peas / Campanero / Strike the Bell / A Drop of Good Beer / Saucy Sailor / Free and Easy / Bertie's Fancy ( Bert Wrigley on melodeon ) / Collier Brig / First Day at t'Mill / Hand Loom v. Power Loom / Along the Rossendale / Old Bill / Constant Billy / Holes in the Road / Old Man and His Wife / Ten Thousand Miles Away / The Rigs Of London Town

Click the clickable tracks to hear MP3s! (Click the MP3 section to hear all 66 x MP3s!). If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T21:21:00.000+01:00

"MONOLOGOLOGY" - Bernard Wrigley (2003)

Here's the fourth monologue CD - after Magnificent Monologues, Fairly Truthful Tales and Magnificent Monologues Vol 2. This collection is entirely written and performed by Bernard. An hour of old favourites (including Robin Hood and the Bogey Rolling Contest, and The Police Constable and the Rare Butterfly) and brand new tales (such as Queen Boadicea, and A Life Of Bike) - all recorded for the first time with musical accompaniment.

1: THE POLICE CONSTABLE AND THE RARE BUTTERFLY: 4:37
2: A LIFE OF BIKE: 5:17
3: COMMOTION IN THE CLUDGIE: 2:48
4: ALBERT, THE LION, AND THE DRINK 5:07
5: LONG JOHN TOES THE LINE 4:00
6: JOE AND THE BARONESS 3:10
7: CLOCKING WELL FED UP 3:13
8: ROBIN HOOD AND THE BOGEY ROLLING CONTEST 5:05
9: THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE BOTTOM OF OUR LAVVY 2:10
10: ELEPHANTITIS 3:26
11: QUEEN BOADICEA 4:15
12: REGGIE AND THE FANCY DRESS BALL 2:41
13: THE RETURN OF FARTING ARTHUR 4:08
14: SID FAROUK 4:25
15: KING ARTHUR AND THE CHASTITY BELT 4:05

All words and music written by Bernard WrigleyMCPS/PRS copyright 2003

Click the clickable tracks to hear MP3s (Click the MP3 section to hear all 71 x MP3s!). If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T21:19:00.001+01:00

"MAGNIFICENT MONOLOGUES" - Bernard Wrigley (2000)

"MAGNIFICENT MONOLOGUES" is, as the title suggests, a recording of 17 of the most well known monologues ever written. There are five of the Ramsbottom stories, including "The Lion and Albert" and "The Return Of Albert," followed by five of the Stories of Sam Small. These include the one that started it all - "Sam, Sam, Pick Up Thy Musket." Next come the historical sagas including "Battle Of Hastings" and "Magna Charter," followed by Robb Wilton's famous novelty "Back Answers" and a little-heard Al Read monologue about the problems of moving a wardrobe. All the monologues are with piano accompaniment, and a lot of them are the authentic music parts that were written for and issued on the original sheet music.
The enclosed twelve page booklet contains notes about each track, a history of the humorous monologue, and an appreciation by BBC comedy producer Mike Craig.

TRACK LISTING

THE RAMSBOTTOMS
1. THE LION AND ALBERT (M. Edgar) (3:50)
2. THE RETURN OF ALBERT (ALBERT COMES BACK) (M Edgar) (4:01)
3 THE RECUMBENT POSTURE (M. Edgar/B. Wrigley) (3:52)
4. THE JUBILEE SOV'RIN (M. Edgar) (3:30)
5. RUNCORN FERRY (TUPPENCE PER PERSON PER TRIP)
(M. Edgar/W. Charles) (4:12)

THE SAM SMALL SAGAS
6. SAM, PICK UP THY MUSKET (OLD SAM) (S. Holloway/W. Charles) (3:01)
7. MARKSMAN SAM (M. Edgar/S. Holloway) (3:53)
8. BEAT THE RETREAT ON THY DRUM (SAM, SAM, BEAT THE RETREAT) (R.P. Weston/B. Lee/H. Weston) (3:28)
9. OLD SAM'S CHRISTMAS PUDDING (M. Ldgar/B. Wrigley) (3:44)
10. SAM'S MEDAL (M. Constanduros/M. Hogan) (4:31)

'ISTORICAL EPICS
11. THE BATTLE OF HASTINGS (M. Edgar) (3:52)
12. THE MAGNA CHARTER (M. Edgar/B. Wrigley) (4:12)
13. THREE HA'PENCE A FOOT (M. Edgar) (4 21)
14. THE 'OLE IN THE ARK (M. Edgar/B. Wrigley) (3:23)

T'OTHERS
15. MY WORD, YOU DO LOOK QUEER (R. P. Weston/B. Lee) (3:57)
16. BACK ANSWERS (R. Wilton) (2:36)
17. TRY IT THE OTHER WAY ROUND (Al Read/B. Wrigley) (2:48)

Click the clickable tracks to hear MP3s (Click the MP3 section to hear all 66 x MP3s!). If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T21:18:00.000+01:00

"AMBLETHWAITE 'APPENINGS" - Bernard Wrigley (2004)

(Loofy 018 CD) (£10 inc. p+p) The fifth monologue CD, and the true follow up to "Fairly Truthful Tales." This has 14 further tales from the pen of Gary Hogg about the nutters who live in that north country village called Amblethwaite. Musical accompaniment includes piano, band, and string quartet, and the booklet opens out to reveal the front page of the Amblethwaite Post with articles about the stories behind the tracks. Click here or on the album cover to see the tracklisting and listen to MP3 snippets.

When Cyril Waggott Dropped Dead For The First Time
The Warburtons' Disappearing Waistcoat
Don't Go Changing
Father Tralee And The Infernal Flame
Jacky The Night Watchman's Dog
The Pontificatin' Chauffeur
A Lesson For Mister Carson The Parson
Walter West And His Denture Adventure
An Elephant's Foot For The Hall
The Lion, The Witch, And The Warburtons
Jim And Maud's Separate Lives
Jacky The Night Watchman's Dog
Uriah Uses His Loaf
The Night Dan Joblin Proposed

Words by Gary Hogg, music written by Bernard WrigleyMCPS/PRS copyright 2004

Click the clickable tracks to hear MP3s (Click the MP3 section to hear all 85 x MP3s!). If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T21:16:00.001+01:00

"BUGGERLUGS" - Bernard Wrigley (1993)

Buggerlugs Loves Sugar Butty / Black Pud Stud / Blue Moon / When Granny Sang Me Songs / Constable Oh Constable / The Trials Of Slody / The One Place For Me / Our Bill And The Concrete Mixer / Young Molly Kershaw / To See the Pit Brow Lasses / The Basque Whalers / Let's All Shout For Hughie! / The Little Fellow / Heavy Breather

BONUS TRACKS: Fisherman's Friend (from Wanted - Live) / Swing Ding (from The Instrumental Album) / The Martians Have Landed In Wigan (from Ten Ton Special) / Walking Twelve (from The Instrumental Album) / Saturday Cowboys (from Ten Ton Special)

Click the clickable tracks to hear MP3s! (Click the MP3 section to hear all 66 x MP3s!). If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T21:14:00.000+01:00

FAIRLY TRUTHFUL TALES

Written by Gary Hogg

Foreword by Bernard Wrigley

1. *The Flight Of Oscar's Undies
2. *The Bartholomew Family Photograph
3. *The Day That Tim Sykes Packed In Talking
4. The Angel Down The Allotment
5. A Funny Thing Happened On The Way From The Crem
6. *The Mystery Of The Boating Lake Mermaid
7. *Dead Men Don't Wear 'Erringbone
8. *Edie's Last Ride
9. **When You've Had Your Chips
10. A Job Well Done
11. *The Secret Life Of Walter's Mittens
12. A Pale Brew Yonder
13. It's No Life Being Dead
14. Much Ado About Tadpoles
15. Saving For A Rainy Day
16. Where Seagulls Dare
17. If In Doubt Say Nowt
18. The Things In Granda's Loft
19. Go On Benny, Brag About That!
20. Thank Heaven For Little Gulls
21. Amazing Gracie
22. The Night We Comforted Algernon Pratt
23. Bravetart
24. Hey There, Geordie Gull!
25. *The Great Amblethwaite Cap Mystery
26. **Don't Go Changing
27. The Graveyard Shift
28. *The Fire In Nan's Front Room
29. The Wild Look In Gladys' Eyes
30. The Answer Lies In The Soil
31. Cissie Stobbs And The Census Man
32. *Owt For A Duck?
33. Deaf Wish
34. *Norman's Bull
35. The Ninth Hole
36. *He Was Always Dead Clever, Me Dad
37. The Plodgeborough And District Volunteer Fire Brigade
38. Twelve Days
39. Joey Ruddick's Bad Foot
40. The Bethlehem Charabanc Trip

*included on the CD "Fairly Truthful Tales" with musical accompaniment

**included on the CD "Amblethwaite 'Appenings" with musical accompaniment

If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T21:11:00.000+01:00

MORE FAIRLY TRUTHFUL TALES

Written by Gary Hogg

Foreword by Bill Maynard

1. *A Lesson For Mister Carson The Parson
2. Mrs McKie And The Mysterious Lumps
3. *Father Tralee And The Infernal Flame
4. Dave The Jackal
5. The Day That Jim Biggins Got Conned
6. *When Cyril Dropped Dead For The First Time
7. *The Warburtons' Disappearing Waistcoat
8. *Walter West And His Denture Adventure
9. When Joe Gow Went To Hell by Mistake
10. Ruby Ruddick's Bad Knees
11. The Amazing Mahatma From Clegg Road
12. *An Elephant's Foot For The Hall
13. *The Lion, The Witch, And The Warburtons
14. Dr McSweet ANd The Mysterious Noise
15. Re-incar-thingummybob
16. *Jim And Maud's Separate Lives
17. Half A Crown A Week
18. Jack And The Beansprouts
19. Joey Ruddick's Bad Language
20. *The Pontificating Chauffeur
21. Ethel And Charlie And Peg And Her Fred
22. Connie The Conductresst
23. *Jacky The Night Watchman's Dog
24. Big Norm Gets Brought Down To Size
25. When Harry Met Bella
26. *Uriah Uses His Loaf
27. Ruby Ruddick's Bad Luck
28. Stan Brown Is So Cool!
29. *The Night Dan Joblin Proposed
30. Isiah O'Dwyer Retires
31. The Amblethwaite Secret Allotment Society
32. Wilfy Spode Looks For Summat To Eat
33. A Monumental Cock Up
34. A Bridge Too Full
35. Amblethwaite Revisited
36. Uncle Bobby's One Ton Pigeon
37. Jack Peake Gets What's Coming
38. O Little Town Of Amblethwaite
39. Wally Kerr And The Ghost Of Christmas Past
40. The Plight Of The Phoenix

Backword by Bernard Wrigley

*included on the CD "Amblethwaite 'Appenings" with musical accompaniment

If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T21:10:00.000+01:00

"TEN TON SPECIAL" - Bernard Wrigley (1976)

Home Brewed / My Own Dear Yorkshire Lass / Robin Hood And The Bogey Rolling Contest / Transport Digs / The Martians Have Landed In Wigan / Saturday Cowboys (studio version) / Tea For Two, Shuffle In F, Nice Work If You Can Get It / Teabag In My Coffee / Rain In My Eyes / Fosdykes Arise!

Click the clickable tracks to hear MP3s! (Click the MP3 section to hear all 66 x MP3s!). If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T20:51:00.000+01:00

"FAIRLY TRUTHFUL TALES" - Bernard Wrigley (2002)

The follow up to the CD "Magnificent Monologues", this album is full of new monologues. Written by Gary Hogg, a talented writer and cartoonist from Newcastle-on-Tyne, they feature assorted characters from a village up North called Amblethwaite. Bernard has set them to music, with brass band and piano in mind. So, with help from the Amblethwaite Colliery Band and piano player Burt Terrace, we present for your delectation a collection of thirteen fairly truthful tales.

1. The Fire In Nan's Front Room (5:02)
2. Edie's Last Ride (4:11)
3. The Great Amblethwaite Cap Mystery (5:32)
4. The Flight Of Oscar's Undies (5:05)
5. The Bartholemew Family Photograph (4:24)
6. Norman's Bull (1:36)
7. The Day Tim Sykes Packed In Talking (4:44)
8. Owt For A Duck? (4:26)
9. The Mystery Of The Boating Lake Mermaid (5:09)
10. The Secret Life Of Walter's Mittens (4:10)
11. He Was Always Dead Clever, My Dad (2:47)
12. Higgins The Vet (1:05)
13. Dead Men Don't Wear 'erringbone (3:52)

Click the clickable tracks to hear MP3s (Click the MP3 section to hear all 66 x MP3s!). If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T20:44:00.000+01:00

"ALBERT, ARTHUR, AND THE CAR PARK" - Bernard Wrigley (1997)

Is There A Car Park? / Getting it Right on Bommy Night / Back In The Old Schoolyard / At the End of the Santa Fe Trail / King Arthur and the Chastity Belt / Wanderin' / Some Very Strange Folk (Toora-Loo) / Corrinna, Corrinna / The Manchester Man / Who Knows Where the Hobo Goes? / Albert The Lion And The Drink / Family Xmas

Click the clickable tracks to hear MP3s (Click the MP3 section to hear all 66 x MP3s!). If you have any queries please feel free to e-mail Bernard.

2007-06-01T20:38:00.012+01:00

SHORTS FOR ALL OCCASIONS (2006)

Written by Bernard Wrigley

Illustrated by Gary Hogg

96 pages with 48 cartoons

Click on any page to see a larger version of it

2007-06-01T17:57:00.012+01:00

EMMERDALE - CAROLS , INVENTIONS, & A WEDDING

THE WEDDING

After the story of the rocket, Barry vanished mysteriously. He turned up a few months later to wreck the wedding of Lisa (to whom he's still married) and Zak's brother Albert.

It was filmed in June of 1997, and it was a treat not to be wearing thermals, which we had to do throughout the rocket saga.

ZAK & BARRY'S CAROL DING-DONG

CHAPTER 1:: After the abortive wedding, Barry wasn't seen until nearer Christmas. He and Zak independently decided to make money busking by singing carols - Barry with his Telecaster and Zak with his drums.

CHAPTER 2: Barry, under threat from Lisa, has to enlist a busking partner.

CHAPTER 3: Barry charms Lisa, annoys Zak even more, and then has a special announcement.

MORE INVENTIONS

CHAPTER 1: Barry's not put off by the failures and disappointments - he's back with another invention. Will it take over the world?

CHAPTER 2: Barry's new invention is set for a live TV broadcast. Will the Dingles intervention ruin this as well?

After this gullible moment, Barry walked round the side of a shed and hasn't been seen since! If you see him on your travels, get in touch with www.ispottedbarry.com and win a Barratt house .......

2007-06-01T17:53:00.012+01:00

EMMERDALE

I'd been in two episodes before as different characters, but in 1997/8 I did almost forty episodes chronicling the story of Lisa's husband Barry Clegg and some of his weird and wonderful inventions.

Here are some of the scenes, not all, but enough to show the saga of the rocket & Barry's further inventions.

THE ROCKET SAGA:

In chapter 1: Marlon and Butch meet Barry for the first time, and a game of Connect 4 is played for a most unusual prize:

In chapter 2: Butch drinks something he shouldn't and Barry reveals his secret (or so they believe):

In chapter 3: The real secret is revealed and Barry has trouble trying to recruit a suitable astronaut.

In chapter 4: Butch goes weightless, Marlon is negligent, and Zak has to apologise again to Lisa.

In chapter 5 there's a proliferation of pig poo and Barry gets clever.

In chapter 6 Marlon is literally in the shit. Barry ambushes Marlon & Butch

In chapter 7 a climax is reached, but the timing's wrong

In chapter 8 it's the aftermath of the farm blowing up. Barry gets up Zak's nose again.

In chapter 9 the landlord of Barry & Lisa's farm gets nasty, and plans are made.

2007-01-06T22:02:00.006Z

THE LONGS & THE SHORTS OF IT (2008)

Written by Bernard Wrigley

Illustrated by Gary Hogg

96 pages, with 48 cartoons

Click on any page to see a larger version of it

2006-04-06T21:03:00.001+01:00

EVERY SONG TELLS A STORY (2009)

Released May 2009, this CD contains 17 diverse tracks. Some are silly, some serious, but they have one thing in common - they each tell a story.

Click on any of the tracks to listen to MP3 snippets

01 - The Dutchman
02 - Down In The Fields Where The Buttercups All Grow
03 - Liverpool Lou
04 - Does My Bum Look Big In This
05 - Hobo's Blues
01 - I'll Go Back
07 - Some Bugger From Yorkshire
08 - Sammy's Bar
09 - Darcy Farrow
10 - On A Monday Morning
11 - Knocking Nelly & The Mothman
12 - Have A Drink On Me
13 - Knicker Night At The Legion
14 - House Of The Rising Sun
15 - No More Cane
16 - Kinky Keith
17 - St James Infirmary

CD text is supported as well - see all the titles as they play (providing your CD player supports it).

2006-01-06T20:53:00.002Z